Tuesday 28 February 2012

Police Error Means Wrong Criminals Removed From City of London

An enormous police error has meant the wrong criminals have been evicted from the City of London.

Police moved in today to remove members of the banking industry before they caused further damage to our economy, but an error from the police command meant capitalist protestors camping peacefully outside St Paul’s Cathedral were removed and the bankers allowed to stay.

Monday 27 February 2012

World Exclusive: Living Your Life Will Only End In Death, Claim Scientists

In the eighties it was salmonella, in the nineties it was salty food and mad cows, and in the last decade, bird flu, pig flu and using technology has meant you ran the risk of contracting a disease and dying. And every day there is a new claim that something will give you cancer or end your life. But now scientists have discovered that something so simple as living is 100% guaranteed to end your life at some point.

Sunday 26 February 2012

Mickey Mousers Claim Mickey Mouse Cup Scalp

Liverpool have confirmed their status as the Premier League’s Mickey Mouse team by beating a team from a lower division to win the Mickey Mouse Cup.

Saturday 25 February 2012

Change Your Career. Become A Celebrity

Are you bored with your current job? Does your life have no purpose? Do you long to sit around and do absolutely nothing and get paid for it? If you have answered yes to any of the above then the solution is simple. Become a celebrity.

Wednesday 22 February 2012

Sofa To Be Charged With Murder. Judge David Farrell To Preside.

A sofa is set to be charged with murder after a 22 year old man died while sofa surfing in Canada.

Tool of the Year Contender Number Four – Judge David Farrell

Have you ever sat there and wondered why Britain is going right down the shitter? You know, those moments where you sit there and think why the fuck have they done that? Normally we reserve such derision for politicians, but occasionally we get other people joining in with this specialised wanker brigade.

Tuesday 21 February 2012

We Thought Koran Was Latest Katie Price Novel, Claim Americans

American officials have apologised for burning copies of the holy Islamic book The Koran and claimed they thought it was the latest Katie Price Novel.

Thousands of Afghans converged on a US air base in Bagram chanting ‘death to America’ and ‘long live Islam’ after workers from inside the base emerged with the charred pages.

Monday 20 February 2012

Gove To Allow Parent Extortion To Continue

Education Secretary Michael Gove has made plans to allow holiday companies to extort parents even more than they already do after he promised to ban parents from taking their children on holiday during term time.

Gove is clamping down on unauthorised absences in schools, which is rife as parents look to take advantage of cheap term time holidays, rather than pay the extortionate and quite frankly ridiculous charges holiday companies charge out of term-time.

BBC To Forecast Weather So Chavs Can Understand Too

The BBC have announced they are moving with the times and are now forecasting weather reports so chavs can understand them as well.


Friday 17 February 2012

France To Provide White Flags In New Military Agreement

Britain and France have agreed to accelerate plans to create a joint control and command centre for future military operations following the working in Libya.

The new agreement will see Britain providing strategic and military advice, deployment of troops and making crucial decisions in warfare, leaving France to provide an escape plan and white flags should it all go tits up.

Thursday 16 February 2012

Sean Penn’s Mouth Threatening To Engulf the World

American actor Sean Penn’s mouth has now become so large it is threatening to engulf the entire planet, a new report claims today.

Tuesday 14 February 2012

Jordan Promise Fair Trial For Guilty As Sin Qatada

The Jordanian government have promised a fair trial to the terrorist and islamic extremist Abu Qatada, despite the fact that he is guilty of all crimes he has been accused of.

Sean Penn Proves He Knows Nothing About Anything As He Moves On Argentina’s President

Hollywood actor Sean Penn has once more demonstrated his amazing lack of knowledge and is hoping his comments regarding the Falkland Islands will be enough for him to get into Argentina President Cristina Kirchner’s knickers.

The American has slated Britain’s stance on The Falkland Islands, accusing the UK of colonialism. “The world today cannot tolerate ridiculous demonstrations of colonialism,” he said following a meeting with Kirchner. Penn was apparently there to ‘discuss the rising tensions over the islands,’ which involved Cristina doing a lot of talking and Penn staring at her tits and agreeing to anything she said, including referring to the islands as the Malvinas.

However a spokesman confirmed that Penn, who has been in politics for a grand total of zero minutes, was only there to get in the pants of the president. “He’ll do anything to get in her knickers,” said the spokesman. “He knows what he is saying is complete bullshit but he’s a typical Hollywood actor. He’s controlled by his dick.”

The British government have repeatedly stated that the islands will remain British as long as the islanders want to remain part of Britain and have backed plans for self-determination, meaning the people of the Falklands will get to choose who they belong to, something which is above the IQ level of Penn.

“Sean has no idea what this self-determination is,” said the spokesman. “All he’s arsed about is getting his end away. So we’re asking the Brits to stop blinding us with words and just give the islands to Argentina. Sean will then get his shag and everyone’s happy.”

Prime Minister David Cameron reacted to Penn’s words by sending Nick Clegg to face the press. In a brief statement prepared by Cameron, Clegg said “Sean Penn is a self pleasuring individual with about as much political knowledge as myself. We would appreciate it if he would happily go and fornicated with himself.”

That should confuse him for a while.

May the force be with you

Jedi Master Bob

Monday 13 February 2012

God Rules Himself Out Of England Manager’s Job

God has officially ruled himself out of the vacant England manager’s position, his spokesman The Pope in Rome has said tonight.

The almighty was thought to be high on the FA’s shortlist and it was rumoured that he could form a dream management team with his son Jesus Christ as his right hand man. However, a statement from Rome said that god was ‘not interested in the position and was concentrating instead on not answering prayers and letting mankind rot in a cesspool of hate.'

“He’s not interested,” the statement said. “And that goes for Jesus as well. In fact, Jesus was not entirely keen on being god’s right hand man in the management set up as he already plays second fiddle to him in heaven.” Rome also confirmed that, even if god was interested, they would have resisted any offers it received from the FA. “There is no way we would have let him go. He's our boss. We'd never lose him to a national side.”

A spokesman for the FA confirmed that they will now abandon any attempt to install god as the new manager and will look at other religious entities that may be interested in leading the team to failure at future tournaments. “Obviously we are disappointed at our failure to land god. He could have worked miracles at Euro 2012. Literally. We’ll now sound out other gods to see what they think. Anyone know what allah’s doing at the moment?”

And a further blow to the FA came when Jedi Master Bob followed god’s example and ruled himself out of the running. Speaking to his own blog, The Fed Up Jedi, Master Bob said “there’s no way in hell I’d take that job. I’ve seen Wayne Rooney’s tweets and they need translating before understanding what he’s saying. Imagine doing that at pitchside?”

When asked who he thought should be appointed, Master Bob replied “Who gives a fuck? They’ll only be sacked in a few years when they don’t win anything. If you really push me though, I’d go for John Barnes and John Fashanu. That would really grate on the nerves of the racists blighting the game.”

A recent poll had Harry Redknapp slightly ahead, with Spongebob Squarepants with Milo from the Tweenies close behind.

May the force be with you.

Jedi Master Bob

Jennifer Ellison Still Speaking Scouse Despite Kicking Herself In The Head

Liverpool born actress Jennifer Ellison has been left disappointed after a kick in the head still left her speaking the scouse dialect.

Ellison was performing a routine on ITV1’s Dancing on Ice when her right foot came a little too high and cracked her in the skull. Ellison continued the routine but was then whisked off by a top language specialist to see if the blow had made her speak like the rest of us.

“It was a pre-planned move,” said speech specialist Bill Warren. “However upon completing the tests, it was discovered that Jennifer was still speaking in that god awful accent. Once we’d given her the news, we stopped the bleeding but she urged us to leave it. She’s very upset about the whole episode.”

And a source close to the star said “Jen wanted this more than anything. She’s an attractive girl but her image is ruined the second she speaks. She was told a sharp blow to the head would rectify the problem but now she has to face the reality that she’s going to speak like that for the rest of her life.”

But fellow contestant Heidi Range slated Ellison’s attempt to rid herself for the accent. Speaking through an interpreter, Heidi said “I don’t know why she wants rid of her accent. It means scousers can talk loudly, safe in the knowledge that no-one can understand a bloody word we’re saying.” At least we think that’s what she said.

An ITV spokesman said the shows producers would give Ellison a ‘full examination’ before deciding if she is okay to continue. “She will require a full physical examination before being allowed to continue. She may be required to remove some, if not all of her clothing during the exam, it all depends on whether or not she speaks.”

May the force be with you

Jedi Master Bob

Friday 10 February 2012

Review - Sassiecat

In today’s world, the words quality and excellent customer service are usually only found in a dictionary and rarely associated to companies, especially Internet companies, who I’ve always believed just want to rip you off at every available opportunity. However there are some hidden gems out there if you look closely enough and I’ve recently found one that those four mentioned words can easily be associated with.

Prior to Christmas, I was looking for a thumb ring as a small, additional present for my wife. I knew the design I was looking for but, after trawling through site after site, I couldn’t find the ideal ring. So, dreading some of the results I would be offered, I typed thumb ring into Google, found Sassiecat and found exactly what I was looking for.

Then I deliberated and the cynical side of me set in. I’ve always been very wary of Internet companies and am convinced they are all shoddy websites built just to get your money. Or card details then your money so I deliberated further. The ring was a very reasonable price and exactly what I wanted, but I still couldn’t bring myself to place the order. Eventually I took the plunge and went for it.

Then I started having doubts again. What if I needed to return it? The returns policy specified thirty days, but if I needed to return the ring, it would more than likely be after that period has expired. And I’d specified a different delivery address to the billing one. They were bound to mess that one up. Typical Internet Company.

But how wrong could one Jedi Master be?

A few days after I had placed the order, the thumb ring arrived with its own little pouch at the delivery address specified. The ring was in excellent condition and the owner of the company had wrapped it well to ensure it stayed that way. So I was quite happy at this point, however the big test came on Christmas morning and, when my wife tried it on (the ring), it was far too big. That’s what happens when you ask your daughter to measure a thumb for a ring size and she measures the entire length of a thumb. Lesson learned there.

So I checked on the website for an email address so I could write and request a smaller replacement. This is where the cynical side of me kicked in again. “Closed for the holidays,” the site said. Fantastic. They won’t read my email now until after the thirty-day period after which they’ll tell me where to go. I should have known better. Typical Internet Company.

I emailed them anyway and to my very great surprise, I received an email back the following day, saying they would happily exchange it. I sent it back as soon as possible and, within two days, two days people, the replacement arrived. My wife tried it that very night but, despite having her thumb measured properly in a shop, it was still too big.

I wrote back to Sassiecat and explained again and asked if it was possible to get the next size down. AGAIN they were more than happy to help and a replacement was dispatched as soon as they received the old one back. This time, it was perfect.

Sassiecat goes against the grain of Internet companies and gave an excellent service, efficient and the goods are of a high quality. A lot of care, time and effort has gone into the creation of this business and it shows. It is quite obvious that Sassiecat has not just been thrown together solely to make money. They provide a service and provide it very well.

So, onto marks out of ten

Ease of website – 10
Communication – 10
Reliability – 10
Efficiency - 10
Quality of Goods - 10
Quality of Service - 10
Jedi Master Bob’s
Satisfaction Rating - 10

I would highly recommend Sassiecat to anyone looking for jewellery, whether it be stylish, costume or just for everyday. If I’m impressed by an Internet company (and it does take a lot to impress me) then you should be too. And let’s put it this way, you’ve got to have something about you to get on Fed Up Jedi’s ‘Sites I Like’ section.

So what are you waiting for? Get your arses onto sassiecat.co.uk and stop wasting your money on the so called ‘big name’ sites, because they’re crap. Sassiecat is much better. You won’t regret it.

May the force be with you

Jedi Master Bob

Tool of the Year Contender Number 3 – David Cameron

There was always going to one of the government’s dynamic duo making our list and, to be honest, my money was on Clegg. But David Cameron has stepped forward to take the accolades and enter himself as a contender.

Why? Because David Cameron thinks giving tax breaks to families so they can hire a cleaner is the way to help mothers go back to work after having children.

WHAT? I hear you cry. How will that help? Well its simple. He’s been to Sweden.

In Sweden, nurseries are part funded by the government, which means the cost to the parent is kept relatively low. In addition, there is a maximum fee policy of 3%, meaning families will not spend more than 3% of their income on childcare.

The Swedes also offer tax breaks on stuff like cleaning, gardening, cooking and childcare makes a mother’s decision to return to work easier and without having to pay for any help out of post tax income. This system halves the cost of hired help.

But our Prime Minister has chosen to ignore the other benefits and focussed on the tax breaks for cleaners instead of childcare. “What you do in Sweden in terms of tax help and tax relief, not so much on childcare but on other things that help women go back to work,” says Cameron.

Now forgive me if I’m wrong, but surely a woman’s first thoughts when deciding to go back to work, other than the money, is for the child’s care, not the fact that she hasn’t got time to hoover or clean the bathroom.

The fact is, in Britain, women choose not to go back to work because in many cases what they would earn will go straight into the pockets of a childminder. Effectively, many working mothers are only working to keep childminders employed. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but that sounds a little odd to me.

But in Cameron’s head, mothers should hire a cleaner and that would give them an opportunity for a tax break. So basically, Mrs X would go back to work, employ a cleaner and pay less tax, yet the cleaner would pay full tax. What if a mother goes back to work as a cleaner and hires herself to clean her own house? That might be a little too confusing, even for a super human like Cameron.

The only people this sort of tax break would benefit would be rich mothers who really can’t be arsed to clean their own house.

I knew that when starting this competition, politicians would figure highly, but I didn’t expect to get two out of the first three.

David Cameron, if you implement a plan such as this, you will earn the admiration and respect of no decent working family. Get back to reality and give tax breaks to those that deserve it, that desperately need it.

But I know you won’t which is why, David Cameron, you have become a worthy candidate for Tool of the Year.

May the force be with you

Jedi Master Bob

Thursday 9 February 2012

Livingstone’s Assessment Of The Tories – You’re All A Bunch Of Puffs

Mayor of London wannabe Ken Livingstone has set his stall out and appealed to all homophobic voters by claiming the Tories are all gay.

Livingstone, who lost the mayoral election to human / alien hybrid Boris Johnson in 2008, claimed that some Tory MP’s denounced homosexuality while secretly shagging each other senseless.

“The homophobe vote is something we have never considered going for before and it’s a new angle we’re trying. There are a lot of homophobes out there waiting for us to take them under our wing.”

In response to Livingstone, two Tory M’s have written to Labour leader Ed Milliband demanding Livingstone’s remarks are retracted. A leaked copy of their letter is below:

Dear Ed

Ken Livingstone has said some not nice things about us Tories and we’re not happy about it, but first of all, where did you get that tie you were wearing last Thursday? It went really well with your eyes.

Anyway, Ken was calling us gay and me and my friend here object to that. We’re not gay, just showing our feminine side every now and then. Nothing wrong with that. Is your brother ever coming back? He’s got a lovely smile.

We just wanted to let you know our objections, so tell him off will you? If you want to send him round, we don’t mind giving him some punishment.

Speak soon


David and Nick

Right, get on your knees Clegg and don’t gag this time. You should be used to it by now. Is that Dictaphone still on? Bloody hell, turn it off you knobhead.

A spokesman for Livingstone claimed he is not homophobic but that he just prefers heterosexual people and that homosexuals would not be treated any differently if he is elected mayor. “They won’t be publicly hunted down. We’ll be really discreet.”

Ed Milliband was unavailable for comment, but his office did confirm that there was ‘no way in hell’ David Milliband was ever coming back,’ but he did agree that his brother does have a rather fetching smile.

May the force be with you

Jedi Master Bob

Sunday 5 February 2012

FA To Consider Man City Only Rule

The Football Association are considering introducing a rule aimed at stopping Manchester City winning anything ever again.

The directive gives referees the authority to penalise City for any incident they seem fit, yet completely ignore it should the opposing team commit a similar or worse offence.

An FA spokesman said the new rule would help the FA’s favourite big four clubs, Chelsea, Arsenal, Liverpool and Manchester United to stay on top of the English game and stop anyone from competing.

The move falls in line with UEFA’s Financial Fair Play Ruling, introduced soon after City were taken over by ADUG, which meant City would not be able to follow in the paths of the afore mentioned teams and buy the players they want, when they want and not giving a particular shit about anyone else.

“UEFA started it and we’re just carrying it on,” said the spokesman. “What we need to do is stop City in their tracks. We tried to do it with the FA Cup last year by drawing them against United, but the knobheads from Old Trafford fucked it up so we’ve got to try a new angle.

We’ve seen over the last few weeks, with penalties and sendings off that referees are getting the message we have been sending out. We now need to formalise this so other teams know we’re on their side.”

And the directive doesn’t just stop on the pitch either. Under terms of the rule, managers of clubs other than City are being encouraged to get City players banned simply by complaining loud enough. “We value managers opinions,” said the spokesman. “Therefore we encourage managers of other clubs to complain very loudly, ideally to the media, and we promise we will act. We like to call it the Harry Redknapp method. You know, crying so loud to the media that we have to act.”

While news of this will come as a further blow to City, Premier League managers up and down the country have welcomed the news. One manager, known only as ‘Taggart from Stretford’ said “this is obviously great news. Anything that can stop them and help us is certainly welcome. I wonder if we can just get City players banned for games they weren’t involved in? It’s worth a shot.”

The move has been prompted by the fact that City remain top of the league despite having key players missing from their side due to suspension or playing in Africa. “I don’t know have they’ve done it,” Taggart continues. “But at least the FA are helping us now and with our twelve man Howard Webb, we’ll stop them.”

City were unavailable to comment but a huge pair of fingers were seen hovering over the Eithad stadium in the direction of Old Trafford this evening.

May the force be with you

Jedi Master Bob

Saturday 4 February 2012

Argies Wondering If They Really Are Hard Enough

The people of Argentina will be spending the next six weeks wondering if they are tough enough to have another crack and taking the Falkland Islands after heir to the British throne Prince William arrived on Thursday.

The Argies invaded the Falklands in April 1982, prompting then Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher to send a task force to the South Atlantic to take them back. Three months and 255 service personnel later and the Falklands returned to British possession.

Although the Argies gained some measure of revenge in 1986 when Diego Maradona punched England out of the World Cup, they still feel like they have a claim to the islands they call Las Malvinas.

And now with Prince William being deployed to the islands for a six-week tour of duty, tensions are high again and the people of Argentina are wondering if they have got what it takes to have a second bash at it.

It hasn’t really helped with William arriving at Port Stanley and heading straight for the local pub, downing several pints of strong beer, then climbing Mount Usborne, the highest point of the Falklands and shouting ‘who are ya? Who are ya?’ and ‘come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough.’

Local residents joined William in his mountain top taunting and many were surprised by the way the Prince held his beer. Landlord Mickey Walsh said “I’ve been brewing this shit for years and it only takes about three or four pints to knock someone on their back. He drank ten pints of the stuff then climbed a mountain. The Argies would be stupid to try anything with him here. He’s hard.”

In Buenos Aires, some military officials are rumoured to be concerned by the Prince’s behaviour. “We’d expect that from Harry, he’s a bit of a muppet, albeit a very funny one. But for William to do this, it’s quite disturbing. I can honestly say there are some regiments here that are shitting bricks.”

And another senior official agreed. “I personally don’t think we’re quite ready with the old, ‘let’s have another go’ just yet. I think we should wait until he’s gone. Besides, I saw what they did to the Germans when they had a second crack at conquering Europe. The British kicked the shit out of them. I’m scared.”

Buckingham Palace could not comment on William’s antics but a spokesman said “what happens in the Falklands, stays in the Falklands, and that includes any children he might father while he’s over there.”

May the force be with you

Jedi Master Bob

Britons Shocked To Discover It Gets Cold In Winter

People across the country have been shocked over the last few days as they have woken up and discovered it gets cold in winter

Millions of people have been affected by the sudden realisation that winter is the exact opposite of summer and are struggling to get to grips with the cold snap. Local councils have been forced to grit roads, horse races have been called off and even football matches have been cancelled, with some players claiming they are not paid enough to face such severe conditions.

“I only get £75,000 per week to play in the Premier League,” claimed one unnamed player. “There is no way in hell I’m going out in those conditions on that pitiful wage. The supporters can fuck off. If they want to sit there in the stands freezing their arses off that’s up to them. Tossers.”

But the cold weather has had staff at the Met Office running around in a frenzy and foaming at the mouth at the chance to put their cold weather alert system into operation. “It’s really exciting,” said one employee. “Four level of pure cold alert. It doesn’t get much better. The boss has been masturbating furiously since we told him we could use the system. He’s so excited, bless him”

He continues. “The levels go from green, which means there’s fuck all happening, then yellow which means something’s on its way. Amber’s next when it gets really cold and Red is like the coldest ever. How cool is that? Now if you’ll excuse me I need to go and crack one off myself. So exciting.”

Meanwhile, distraught members of the public are now calling on the government to do something about it. “As soon as it gets warmer, if that ever happens, we should take to the streets in protest about the cold weather,” said Brian Jones from North Wales. “I think it’s ridiculous that the government have not even told us about this ‘winter’ thing. When did that happen?”

But Betty Riddle from South Yorkshire claims to have known about this sudden onset for some time. “Every year I’ve written to the government and my local paper warning them something like this would happen. They just laugh at me and think I’m a crackpot, but who’s laughing now? I’ve now got my thermals on that I’ve had for years. I bloody warned them I did.”

And, just prior to this article going live, it was anticipated that something call snow would be falling from the skies at some point. We went back to Brian in North Wales for his opinion. “WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?” he shouted back. “The only thing that falls is rain. I’ve never heard of snow and I’m pretty sure the resy of the country hasn’t too. This government have got a lot to answer for.”

Government officials were unavailable for comment but will give a response as soon as the cold crisis has passed, enabling them all to leave their comfy homes and get their lazy arses back to work.

May the force be with you

Jedi Master Bob

Thursday 2 February 2012

Madonna To Extort Fans To Pay For Next Child

Former queen of pop, turned failed actress turned child hoarder Madonna is looking to her fan base in order to fund her next ‘adopted’ child it has been revealed.

The singer is touring Britain later this year and has advised fans who want to see her to start saving now because she don’t come cheap y’know. “Start saving your pennies now,” says the ageing, patronising mime artist. “People spend $300 dollars on crazy things like handbags. I’m worth it” Worth it? Is she the new face of L’Oreal or something? And I’m sorry but I could thing of better things to spend $300 on.

Because her ‘live’ shows (live meaning that she’s there) are always in high demand, promoters can charge a ‘premium’ rate or, as we say in English, a fucking extortionate amount of dosh.

One fan was outraged by the cost of the tickets. “How can she justify it? She mimes all the time and at a concert in the 80’s she was booed off stage. Admittedly that was near Leeds and people only turned up because they thought she was a Scottish kebab.”

Meanwhile another fan has taken a rather different approach to protesting about the cost. “I’ll buy a ticket but I’ll refuse to go,” says Alan Smith from Wigan. “We should all do that. Buy tickets and refuse to go. That’ll show her”.

However, one insider who refused to be named for fear of being crushed by Madonna’s boa constrictor arms said “she’s not arsed about how much the tickets cost. She’s looking to fund the purchase of another child.”

That news is sure to send ripples of concern throughout African nations and worried parents will be locking their children up while anxiously looking to the skies waiting for her plane to arrive, praying that Angelina Jolie is not on the same flight.

May the force be with you

Jedi Master Bob

It’s Official – Six More Weeks Of Winter

Well, the big freeze has well and truly settled in and now, to rub salt in our wounds, Punxytawney Phil has seen a shadow, which means we’re going to endure six more weeks of winter.

If you’re unsure of what I’m talking about, read my last post. I don’t write them for nothing. Anyway, Phil stepped out of his burrow this morning took a look around, stated the bleeding obvious, and dived back into the hole he came out of.

Now I’m no meteorologist, but I could have told you the same thing if you’d bothered to ask and it wouldn’t have involved a huge ceremony, man-handling a large beaver (steady) before announcing that result. All I had to do was look at the frost on the cars and say ‘it’s gonna be cold for a bit.’

Really though, Phil is in a win-win situation there. Winter lasts for another six weeks anyway so technically, he always going to be right. Personally, I’d love to see someone replace that elixir of life he drinks with a strong whiskey and see what he thinks then

But moving onto the weather, I don’t understand why the Met Office have got a cold warning system. Four level of coldness. It’s almost like they are setting the terror level. Well today, it is cold level one which means your nipples will be sticking out a bit, but tomorrow it will be cold level four. Better wrap your bollocks up or you might lose them.

And meteorologists wind me up as well. They stand there on my TV with all there technology and the first thing they say is ‘it was a cold day today.’

I know it was a cold day, I was fucking out there. I don’t want to know what it was like earlier. I want to know what it’s going to be like tomorrow. But they continue. “Temperatures reached little over freezing in most parts of the country by midday.” So fucking what? That was earlier and I don’t fucking care.

Then they get to the weather for the next day, tell us how cold it will be then say ‘so wrap up warm.’ No shit Sherlock. I was going to go out in a mankini but I can’t do that now you’ve told me to wrap up.

Seriously, I wish they’d replace some of the weather people in Britain with overgrown beavers, but by the look of some of them, they’re beavers are already overgrown.

May the force be with you

Jedi Master Bob

It’s Groundhog Day

It’s that time of year when the whole world, well a few people in America so I guess that constitutes the whole world, gather to see an overweight beaver predict the weather.

Yes it’s Groundhog Day. For the majority of sane people who are unaware of this little ritual, it’s relatively simple.

Every 2 February at Gobbler’s Knob (yes it is a real place), Punxsutawney (also real) in Pennsylvania, crowds gather to see Punxsutawney Phil, who is a Groundhog, forecast whether winter continues for another six weeks or end early.

This can only happen when Phil comes out of burrow, examines the weather and checks to see if he can see his shadow. If he sees a shadow, winter will continue. No shadow and it’s an early spring.

See, we have satellites orbiting earth and teams of people studying the skies and for what? A lazy arsed groundhog waking up, having a drink and thinking he knows it all.

So how does Phil communicate? Well in groundhogese of course. The Grand Master of the Inner Circle can speak Groundhogese and is the only one who can, until he dies of course then someone else takes over.

Crock of shit? Of course it is but it’s good fun nevertheless. The Inner Circle claim Phil has never died and he never will. Every year, he drinks an elixir that gives him an extra seven years of life, like the stuff the Queen drinks. She’s never going to die is she?

But Groundhog day has served it purpose. In 1993, the story of Groundhog Day helped once fine actors Bill Murray and Andi McDowell a chance to get a bit of money. In the film, Murray’s character relived the same day over and over again until he changed his grumpy ways, a bit like working in an accountant’s office.

Anyway, for those of you who care, happy groundhog day.

May the force be with you.

Jedi Master Bob

Wednesday 1 February 2012

Tool Of The Year – Contender Number Two: Harry ‘Al Capone’ Redknapp

I always thought football would enter Tool of the Year at some point, but I didn’t expect it to be a manager.

Enter Harry ‘Al Capone’ Redknapp, the saggy-faced Tottenham manager who is in court over suspected tax evasion. Redknapp claims that he had ‘forgotten’ about a bank account in Monaco, which was apparently opened by Milan Mandaric and was coincidentally named after his dog and his year of birth.

It is claimed that Redknapp accepted cash from Mandaric for transfers during their time at Portsmouth and deposited it straight into the Monaco account, which he didn’t know he had, without paying any tax on it, but Harry denies any wrong doing.

Now the tax office have caught up with him, Lord Harry of the Cockneys claims he has always paid his taxes, uses the best accountants and would rather pay too much tax than too little.

Yeah right.

Just three points to make on that statement. If you’d always paid your taxes Harry, you wouldn’t be in court would you? Bell end. You always use the best accountants? What the ones who choose to look the other way? And who in their right mind would rather pay too much tax than too little? Yeah and you’d rather hide too much money than too little eh?

But Saggy Face is still adamant he has done nothing wrong. “I’ve never been greedy in my life,” he claims. So why open an account in Monaco, keep it secret but make the ‘occasional’ trip to the principality?

Let’s face it Harry. You messed up, you’ve been caught and now you have to pay. There’s no point in blaming Mandaric for this mess as he will just implicate you further. You might as well own up, admit it all and take the punishment.

But Redknapp isn’t going to do that. He’s a character that’s always right. And when he’s wrong he’s still right.

Harry Redknapp, I’d still do your daughter in law, but you sir, have successfully elevated yourself to a brand new level of dickhead and, in doing so, made yourself a serious contender for Tool of the Year.

May the force be with you

Jedi Master Bob

Americans Ready To Declare War On Heaven

The American Government have revealed plans for a spectacular, pre-emptive strike against God and Heaven.

Fearing the arrival of 21 December 2012 when the world will come to an end, the Americans want to prove once again that they, and only they can save the world from Armageddon and in the process, disarm God and bring him to justice for crimes against humanity.

“Intelligence reports God has weapons of mass destruction and that he intends to use them on 21 December 2012. We intend to stop him, before he does more damage to this planet,” says a Pentagon official.

And the White House confirmed that God will be caught and brought to justice for his crimes against the very race he created. “God has killed, continuing to kill and allowed others to kill in his name. It’s time we put a top to it. God will answer for his crimes.”

President Barack Obama was unavailable for comment, but his office have stated that the Heaven mission is strategically important for future wars. “We could invade Iran now, we would certainly like to, but what would be the point if the world ends this year? If December 21 2012 is allowed to happen, all other planned foreign wars are pointless. The main objective of the Heaven mission is to stop 21 December from happening. Then Iran is next.”

However, the military have admitted their concerns at such an operation. “We have to say that finding the entrance to Heaven will be a bit of a challenge. But we have people on the inside and, with the help of mediums on earth, it won’t be long before we find it. We’re coming for you, God.”

And the American public are strongly behind the plans to invade Heaven. “He created us then treats us like crap,” says one unnamed victim of The Almighty’s persecution. “Seriously, what sort of entity would allow us to live in a world like this? He hates us. He’s a mass murderer and should be held accountable.”

But there are some who are against the plans. Ernie Pike, a New York resident said “if they arrest God, who will we believe in then? Surely not ourselves. Are you serious?” And his wife Glenda said “We’d have to find something else to do on a Sunday morning other than going to church. This is scary stuff.”

Although God was, as usual, unavailable to answer questions as well as prayers, his official spokesman The Pope in Rome made a brief but fighting statement by saying “Bring it on you yankee fuckers.”

Something tells me this battle is going to be a long one.

May the force be with you

Jedi Master Bob