People across the country have been shocked over the last few days as they have woken up and discovered it gets cold in winter
Millions of people have been affected by the sudden realisation that winter is the exact opposite of summer and are struggling to get to grips with the cold snap. Local councils have been forced to grit roads, horse races have been called off and even football matches have been cancelled, with some players claiming they are not paid enough to face such severe conditions.
“I only get £75,000 per week to play in the Premier League,” claimed one unnamed player. “There is no way in hell I’m going out in those conditions on that pitiful wage. The supporters can fuck off. If they want to sit there in the stands freezing their arses off that’s up to them. Tossers.”
But the cold weather has had staff at the Met Office running around in a frenzy and foaming at the mouth at the chance to put their cold weather alert system into operation. “It’s really exciting,” said one employee. “Four level of pure cold alert. It doesn’t get much better. The boss has been masturbating furiously since we told him we could use the system. He’s so excited, bless him”
He continues. “The levels go from green, which means there’s fuck all happening, then yellow which means something’s on its way. Amber’s next when it gets really cold and Red is like the coldest ever. How cool is that? Now if you’ll excuse me I need to go and crack one off myself. So exciting.”
Meanwhile, distraught members of the public are now calling on the government to do something about it. “As soon as it gets warmer, if that ever happens, we should take to the streets in protest about the cold weather,” said Brian Jones from North Wales. “I think it’s ridiculous that the government have not even told us about this ‘winter’ thing. When did that happen?”
But Betty Riddle from South Yorkshire claims to have known about this sudden onset for some time. “Every year I’ve written to the government and my local paper warning them something like this would happen. They just laugh at me and think I’m a crackpot, but who’s laughing now? I’ve now got my thermals on that I’ve had for years. I bloody warned them I did.”
And, just prior to this article going live, it was anticipated that something call snow would be falling from the skies at some point. We went back to Brian in North Wales for his opinion. “WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?” he shouted back. “The only thing that falls is rain. I’ve never heard of snow and I’m pretty sure the resy of the country hasn’t too. This government have got a lot to answer for.”
Government officials were unavailable for comment but will give a response as soon as the cold crisis has passed, enabling them all to leave their comfy homes and get their lazy arses back to work.
May the force be with you
Jedi Master Bob
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