World Exclusive: Living Your Life Will Only End In Death, Claim Scientists

In the eighties it was salmonella, in the nineties it was salty food and mad cows, and in the last decade, bird flu, pig flu and using technology has meant you ran the risk of contracting a disease and dying. And every day there is a new claim that something will give you cancer or end your life. But now scientists have discovered that something so simple as living is 100% guaranteed to end your life at some point.

The recent study comes to light following a report that walking the dog now poses a risk to health after a hospital in East Sussex reported thirty seven case of dog related injuries over a two month period.

However the new report is sure to send shockwaves across the nation and indeed the world as many believed that their life would just continue forever and only end if they contracted a disease. The report was compiled by scientists from the Institute of Pointless Studies, who said “We can confirm that all life will come to an end. That is an absolute certainty. Our studies have proven that. Even Voldemort died at the end of Harry Potter and it was his death that prompted us to do this study in the first palce.”

Harry Bates, a self-employed window cleaner from Birmingham said “You know, I’ve stayed off fatty, salty foods, don’t drink alcohol and don’t smoke yet now I find out that I’m still going to die. It’s just not fair.”

Veronica Barlow of Crosby in Liverpool said “I’m still a virgin because I’ve been scared of getting infected by someone but now I’m going out to shag as many men as possible. I might as well if I’m going to die anyway. STD’s here I come.”

But there are some that welcomed the news. One unnamed source from Buckingham Palace said “Yes, I knew I’d be king one day. I just hope she dies before I do. It must be her time now. One might need to speak to one’s father and see what he can do.”

The report comes on the back of findings by doctors at Conquest Hospital in East Sussex, who now claim that walking the dog poses a serious threat to your health, despite previous research showing that owning a dog can reduce the risk of depression, lower blood pressure and combat obesity.

“I blame to government,” admits Harry. “They tell us don’t do this, don’t do that, eat healthy foods, don’t binge drink and so on, making out like we’ll live forever if we follow their guidelines when all along they’ve kept the truth from us. We’re all walking corpses aren’t we?”

That’s right Harry, the reaper awaits us. Every single one of us.

May the force be with you

Jedi Master Bob