Tuesday, 31 January 2012

MP’s Fear Calls For More As Goodwin Stripped Of Knighthood

MP’s are bracing themselves for calls for more people to be stripped of titles after former RBS Chief Executive Fred ‘Bell-end’ Goodwin was stripped of his knighthood today.

Goodwin, who is no longer known as Sir Fred Bell-end, was head of RBS during the 2008 credit crunch and had to be bailed out with tax payers money to the tune of £45b. And when he left the bank in November 2008, Mr Bell-end was given a £700,000 + pension, which also included a lump sum payment of £2.7m.

And now Goodwin has had his knighthood ‘cancelled and annulled’ after he brought the honours system into disrepute.

MP’s now fear that the public will want others to be stripped of titles they do not deserve. One member of the public has demanded that Katie Price be stripped of the title celebrity and glamour model, citing it violates the trades description act, although she may be allowed to be known as her official title ‘publicity whore.’

In music, Michael Buble may be forced to have the word singer removed from his title, JLS may have the word band taken away and Justin Bieber will hopefully be removed from existence.

The football world could be thrown into chaos as Andy Carroll, a £35m transfer from Newcastle to Liverpool may no longer be known as a footballer. Carroll’s agent, who wants to remain anonymous due to fear of being ridiculed at representing the ‘player’ said “it’s a bit harsh to take the term footballer away from Andy. What about just removing the word striker like in Emile Heskey’s case?”

The world of politics doesn’t escape either. Nick Clegg faces a fight to keep the word ‘honourable,’ Diane Abbott may no longer be called multicultural and Boris Johnson will have to fight the hardest if he is to remain human.

It’s not all bad news though. Eric Pickles gets to keep his title of fat bastard, Luiz Suarez and John Terry will remain racist and Wayne Rooney will forever be known as a thick bastard.

However, teenagers’ appeal to stop them being known as spotty, ignorant, depressive self important fuckers may fall on deaf ears.

May the force be with you

Jedi Master Bob

Uprising in Britain? Not A Chance

Over the last year, we’ve seen uprisings spread across the Arab world. From Egypt, to Syria and Libya, the people have stood up for themselves and forced change.

Of course, standing in such a way can often mean loss of life and in the all countries, that has certainly happened. But in the case of Egypt and Libya, the people have won and forced democracy in their country.

People in Britain have watched on, admiring the stances taken by the rebels and the never say die spirit that has led them to victory. This even led to some saying that Britain need to stand up to their government, taking to the streets if necessary.

It would never work.

Why the pessimism, you might ask. Well it’s simple. The people of Britain have absolutely no idea how to make a stand.

Let’s go back to 2000 and the fuel protests. Five days that lasted before everyone said ‘right I’ve had enough of this now. Let’s go home.’ The protestors claimed victory but what did it really achieve?

Fuck all.

Did petrol prices come down? No they have risen continually. Have they protested since? No they just accept it. The thing is, people were complaining that emergency vehicles needed fuel so the protestors relented. That was their big mistake. They let compassion get in the way of what they were fighting for.

Now I’m not a heartless bastard and I don’t want to see people die needlessly but sometimes, when you protest you need to expect a few lives to be lost. I’m not saying people should have died in 2000 for the protests to be successful, but it’s that kind of mentality that wins or losses battles.

If we were a stronger British nation, we wouldn’t put up with the shit that our various governments have given us over the years. We would make a stand against it, but the trouble is, we’re all too weak. The second someone comes out and says ‘if you don’t stop your protest, people will die,’ we shit it and stop any protests. So instead, we moan about it, tut relentlessly and sit in our nice comfy houses complaining how shit this country is.

And while we would get some hardcore protestors prepared to stay the course, there are many that would support them but only from a distance. A perfect example of this would be a person I know. She mentioned that an uprising should start in this country and she would support them. When asked if she would join them, the reply was ‘I’ve got my job and home to think about.’

And that’s the reason why any uprising in this country would be a half hearted piece of shit that would end in a few days because people would be saying ‘yeah thanks for inviting me to the process, but I’ve got work in the morning so I’ll be going now.’

In August, I genuinely thought an uprising was happening but it just turned out to be a load of chavs wanting to get some free trainers. That’s the extent of our protests. Great. Carry on Britain eh?

May the force be with you.

Jedi Master Bob

Monday, 30 January 2012

How Will Hester Cope?

Well, the news of the day is that RBS Chief executive Stephen Hester has turned down his bonus, meaning he will just have to make do with a £1.2m salary instead. How on earth will he manage?

Hester was under a huge amount of pressure to turn down the bonus of almost £1m but it took him long enough to decide to do it, but he finally managed to utter the words through his painfully gritted teeth, while avoiding the venomous glares of his wife.

Instead, he’ll just have to be satisfied with claiming a salary of £1.2m per year but the government has said they will not block any future bonuses to be paid. So in other words, turn this one down, Stephen and no-one will be bothered next year when you accept a bigger one.’

Forgive me if I’m wrong, but I thought it was bonuses like this that caused the banking crisis in the first place so why are bankers continuing to be offered such amounts?

Do you know how much my bonus was last year? £83 before tax, meaning I came out with about £50. This guy gets £1.2m per year and almost a year’s salary on top as a bonus. It’s absolutely obscene.

When you think of the fact that RBS is 83% owned by the British taxpayer, it begs the question, where’s our bonus? It was our money that helped bail out these banks yet do we see any reward? Do we get a nice fat cheque and a pat on the back to say thanks?

Do we bollocks.

We didn’t even get a choice in the matter. We were just told it was happening and that’s that. It’s just typical of a government to use our money and give it to someone else. And then they have the audacity to tell us to live within our means, while announcing that they are in dent of over one trillion pounds.

Yet more double standards from a government. I don’t know why Cameron didn’t just say ‘that level of bonus is obscene and we won’t allow it to happen.’ But he’s not going to do that is he?

I’m sure Hester (and his wife) will get over this decision but these decisions should not even be left for people like him to make. In fact, it shouldn’t even be a decision in the first place.

May the force be with you

Jedi Master Bob

Saturday, 28 January 2012

Footballers – Set An Example

I read a piece on the BBC website this morning. It was an appeal from the managers of Liverpool and Manchester United ahead of their clash at Anfield in the FA Cup, which the scousers won 2-1.

The appeal came about following the apparent racial abuse by Liverpool’s Luis Suarez on United’s Patrice Evra when the two teams met in the league in October. Suarez was subsequently banned for eight games and missed the FA Cup tie, however if the game had gone to a replay, he would have been eligible to play.

The thing is though, there would be no need for these sort of appeals if footballers themselves actually set a better example to their supporters, likewise if situations wasn’t so hyped up by the British media, who tend to enjoy stirring up emotions by writing any old shit just to get a reaction.

But footballers have a responsibility to the club, and their own, fans to set the best example possible. Sadly they fail to do this. They are paid millions to play the sport yet think they can getaway with absolutely anything.

For example, look at Ryan Giggs. Idolised by United and Wales supporters, the golden boy was once at the top of his game and could do no wrong. Yet for some reason, he felt it necessary to cheat on his wife not with one woman, but two. And one of those was his sister in law. And to make it worse, he tried to get the courts to cover it all up.

Now what sort of example does that set to youngsters today? That if you make it in football, you’ll become rich enough to do whatever you want. If I was to write a list of bad examples footballers set, I’d still be here at four in the morning.

But something else adds to the vitriolic feelings of today’s football supporter; the Internet. Home to many blogs and sites dedicated to clubs up and down the country. Many are like this one, free blogs aimed to become a mouthpiece.

Except it often gets worse than fans just venting frustration. It can turn into anger and hate, which can then be carried with the supporter into the ground on matchday. I used to run a football blog and used to have a laugh with the articles but always giving a fair, objective view. Yet some of the comments I received were just vile. In the end, I gave it up.

Now put that with some of the tweets that footballers make and you can have a very volatile environment. I follow a few footballers and they generally stay with their own club mates, making comments and having a laugh. Rarely do they comment on another team’s performance. But some can’t help themselves and mouth off which, in turn, gives precedence for the supporters to mouth off as well. And we all know which road that can lead towards.

So if football managers, directors, chairmen, the FA, UEFA and FIFA are serious about cleaning hatred from the game, they need to start with the attitudes of the players. Sort that out and the fans will follow.

May the force be with you.

Jedi Master Bob

Friday, 27 January 2012

397 Dead. How Many More Before You Act, Cameron?

I’m getting really sick of reading the following headline: British soldier killed in Afghanistan.

News has broken this evening of another soldier killed in a war that has nothing to do with us, yet our government are unable to see this and continue to deploy them.

According to the MOD, the soldier was “fatally wounded in an insurgent attack while on foot patrol to disrupt insurgent activity.” Fatally wounded, not killed outright which, roughly translated means he was injured and probably died in a huge amount of pain in a hellhole of a place that has claimed too many lives already.

The question is, why is the British government continuing to allow our troops to remain in Afghanistan? If I remember rightly, the Afghanistan war was an American mission started under the banner of ‘war on terror.’ It has nothing to do with British troops, so why are they over there risking, and losing their lives?

It has now been over ten years since the initial invasion and the Taliban, who were in charge of the country at the time, have been disposed and a new Afghan government has taken charge. So why is no-one saying ‘okay, we got rid of the Taliban for you. They’re your problem now?’

Answer is because the Americans obviously think they know better and continue this fight so they can say to the Afghans ‘we ended the Taliban for you. You owe us now.’ Basically, they want to make the Afghans their bitches and be able to call on them in the future, especially since the country borders Iran.

You may remember that Iran was labelled part of the Axis of Evil by former US muppet, sorry president George Dubya Bush and my feeling is that the Americans want to keep their presence in Afghanistan so that, once the decision is made to invade Iran, they have a decent sized operation next door to invade, coupled with the fact that Iraq will ‘also be in their debt.’ It would be a modern day blitzkrieg.

I think that Britain should not be following the Americans on this and David Cameron needs to withdraw our troops now. 397 British personnel have perished in that country. 397 lives needlessly lost and 397 families distraught at the loss of their loved one.

That, in my opinion, is 397 too many.

So come on Cameron, show the world you have a pair of balls, and I don’t mean standing naked on Downing Street. You want to be a good strong leader so start by telling the Americans we are no longer following them in Afghanistan or any other unjustified war.

Fighting in Afghanistan is not in Britain’s interest and we don’t want to lose any more of our military men and women in that country. Stand up for us, Cameron.

My thoughts are with the family of the soldier and all the soldiers who have died in Afghanistan.

May the force be with you.

Jedi master Bob

Sunday, 22 January 2012

Panic Over – Mayan 2013 Calendar Found

Okay everyone, please relax. The world will not end on December 21 2012 as many are predicting.

If you are unaware of this, let me fill you in. There are some who believe that, because the Mayan calendar runs out this year, it means that the world is going to end. Well I can put that theory to rest by saying I have a Mayan calendar 2013. It’s got a nice picture of a Mayan building on it and some very lovely, but clothed, Mayan women.

Having looked through the calendar, I notice a few things written on there already. For example, January states that Jedi Master Bob’s blog will be one year old. They’re good those Mayans.

For February, it says there will be one less day than the year before, while in March, they predict Spring will arrive. April, the Mayans have us down for celebrating Easter while in May they say that the British should not get excited about the warmer weather coming; it will be crap as usual.

June sees ‘those who teach’ looking forward to be rid of the ‘little brats’ for a few weeks, while July and August sees them celebrating and sticking two fingers up at educational buildings.

The Mayans predict that Autumn will start in September and the weather will be usually shit. October we will celebrate ‘scary shit,’ while November and December predicts us spending money we don’t have on people we don’t like buying crap they don’t need. Also in December, it has a note on the 21st, saying ‘first anniversary of making mankind think they were going to die. So funny.’

I’m really sorry about not coming forward with this earlier than now and am genuinely sorry for causing widespread panic and everybody thinking we’re going to die at the end of this year. I feel a bit embarrassed now, especially since it was in a box under my bed with some VHS videos of Star Trek. I am also sorry to the numerous amounts of websites about that have produced countdowns to the end of the world. You can go ahead and stop them now. No seriously, they need. Just stop the fucking countdown will ya?

Anyway, just to reiterate, mankind is safe and there is nothing going to happen on 21 December 2012. If it does, then at least they’ll be no-one around to email me saying how wrong I was, which is more than I can for other sites.

May the force be with you

Jedi Master Bob

Wednesday, 18 January 2012

Jo Frost Is To Blame

I saw an article today about an episode of Coronation Street. Now I don't watch that bag of crap myself as I have a life, but apparently, one character was seen to give his wayward daughter a slap across the legs as punishment. This has prompted many complaints who say this is violence against children and sets a bad example.

And to make this complaint worse, some arsehole called Phillip Noyes from the NSPCC said "Parents can obviously be pushed to the limit on occasion but there are more positive ways of correcting a child's ­behaviour than smacking them.

"It simply sets a bad example and teaches children that violence is a solution. Children tell us it leaves them scared and confused and the NSPCC believes it simply gives out the wrong message and breaks down the trust between child and parent."


It shows the child who is in charge and exactly what it means to be disciplined. When I was younger, if I was insolent, disobedient or stepped beyond the boundaries set by my parents, I got a whack for it. If it happened in public, that was ten times worse as the embarrassment was enough to stop me doing it again. Other members of the public would look at me and laugh and I'd be so ashamed I'd behave myself for the rest of the day.

But now, if you smack your child, especially in public, you run the risk of these do gooders moaning at you and ringing the police. What kind of message is that to the child? A while ago, I had to discipline my son in public. I didn't hit him, instead I made him put back the toy I said I would buy him. He did it, but was crying his eyes out. I felt bad for him but stood my ground. Yet one woman looked at him and she said 'awww, you've really upset him haven't you? What's your daddy done to you?" I told my wife to take the children out of earshot, approached the woman and told her, and I quote, "whatever has happened with my son is none of you fucking business and if you interfere in mine, I'll break your fucking legs."

Of course I had no intention of doing so, I could have just force choked her (if I knew how, that's a Sith trick), however the look on her face told her to keep out of my business. At the end of the day, who the hell is she to start telling me how much I have upset my own son?

It raises the debate about smacking and whether it's acceptable. Is it teaching violence? I don't think so. the reason why our children are out of control is bacause parents are not allowed to discipline in the way we were brought up. Powers have been gradually stripped away, not just from parents, but from teachers and police and the government couldn't give a shit.

If you ask me, one person to blame for the state of our children is Jo Frost. Yeah, fucking supernanny who has studied children's behaviour. She has this system of rewarding naughty children for everything good they do. The only problem is, when you then ask a child to do something, they ask 'what do I get for doing it?'

I remember watching one of her programs and a lad was 'cured' yet he as playing football with his sister and he whacked her in the leg. The dad went over and asked him why he'd done it and she, sat on the side said 'don't antagonise him.' Yeah Jo frost, ignore the bad and praise the good. No wonder our kids are so fucked up these days. Here's one for you; have some kids yourself and see how you get on. You won't find it so easy then. Mind you, you'd have to convince someone that shagging you is a good thing so good luck with that.

What really irks me though, is that if we as parents smack our children, we are the bad ones and risk losing them into care, yet mothers can buy their children vouchers for plastic surgery, botox and boob jobs yet are seen as fit mothers. How the fuck does that work? Where are the NSPCC when this happens?

The thing is, people love to turn a blind eye to reality situations like the plastic surgery example and instead focus on fictional situations to complain about. At the end of the day, it was a fictional character issuing fictional punishment to another fictional character. I thought soaps and shit like that were all about imitating real life. How can they when people continually complain about it?

I think it's time the people of this country got a grip on reality and stop complaining about every little thing they see on TV just because they don't like it. Well, if you don't like it, don't fucking watch it. And if you do watch it, don't fucking complain afterwards.

Rant over.

May the force be with you

Jedi Master Bob

Tuesday, 17 January 2012

Tool of the Year – Contender Number One – Michael Gove

Well I didn’t think that Tool of the Year would get a nomination so soon, but I suppose we can always rely on an MP or two to get us started.

Step forward Education Secretary Michael Gove, who suggested that we, the Great British public, should buy the Queen a new yacht to mark her diamond jubilee. He feels that spending money in such a way would somehow ‘raise the nations spirits.’

No forgive me for being cynical, okay don’t but how would buying a yacht for the royal family raise the nations spirits? I mean, aren’t we in the middle of an economic crisis, entering a year where many businesses may go to the wall, public services being cut, wages frozen and benefits being slashed or stopped altogether? Not to mention the mountain of debt that we’re currently up to our knees in.

So why would we the public delight at seeing the royal family being given an opportunity to sail anywhere they want in a boat paid for by us when the majority of us are struggling to even afford a week in Skegness? I’m sure royalists were positively foaming at the mouth or masturbating into a frenzy at the very thought of this, but normal people just think it’s another kick in the teeth.

And besides, I don’t remember the Queen ever sending me a gift for my birthday, wedding/anniversary or graduating from the Jedi academy, so why the hell should I send her one? She gets enough out of our taxes. If Michael Gove wants to give her one (steady one, I mean a yacht) then he can fucking pay for it.

Prime Minister Cameron and his little lap dog Clegg have incredibly shot down the idea, with the latter saying “I suspect most people in the country would think that given there's very little money around, this probably wouldn't be at the top of their list of priorities for the use of scarce public resources.” No shit Sherlock.

And a spokesman for the Department for Culture, Media and Sport said “The Palace has been clear that the Diamond Jubilee celebrations should reflect the current economic climate." Sausage rolls, tuna butties and Hula Hoops all round then. Somehow I don’t think so.

Michael Gove you have once again shown how out of touch you are with this country and you become our first entry of 2012. Something tells me that it won’t be the last time his name graces our competition.

May the force be with you.

Jedi Master Bob

Sunday, 15 January 2012

Why Is Britain Obsessed With Celebrities?

That’s a big question.

I’m going to sound really old now, but when I were a lad,
celebrities lived up to their title. They were film and TV or music
personalities and when I say TV, I’m talking about actors and actresses, not
those that have a fleeting moment in the background on the news.

But today’s celebrities are completely different. They only
have to be on TV for about five minutes and suddenly they’re in the public eye.
Take Natasha Giggs for example. A year ago, the only Giggs I’d ever heard of
was Ryan. But then he has an affair with his sister in law and bam, she’s
suddenly big news, appearing on celebrity Big Brother. How does having an
affair with your brother in law constitute you being a celebrity? In my book,
she’s nothing more than a common slapper who certainly does not deserve to be
on our television screens.

But there are others who fall in the ‘celebrity’ tag, such
as models, if you can call them that. People like Katie Price, who do
absolutely fuck all with their lives apart from getting publicity to make more
money for themselves.

Katie Price is the definition of a publicity whore, as well
as being a common whore, yet for some reason, the British media lap her up so
much that regular members of the public, like me, are left scratching our heads
wondering what the point in her existence really is. She did a reality TV
program called Signed By Katie Price and that was just a pointless show. A bunch
of people, degrading themselves to have her as their manager? Some people’s
desperation is endless if they think she can lead them to fame and fortune. She’s
done it by staying in the media and sleeping with countless blokes. Is that
really what they want?

Even newsreaders are classed as celebrities these days. No
longer are they TV personalities, i.e someone who appears regular on TV, but
have gained celebrity status, To me, newsreaders are just journalists reporting
on news events, nothing more than that.

And MP’s are no longer MP’s. Oh no, can’t just be a
thieving, money grabbing, out for themselves member of parliament can they?
They’ve got to get in on the act as well.

These people really make me sick. Everything they do is for
themselves and their morals know no bounds. I blame the British media and TV
programs. They are the ones who continually print stories and report on their
lives, hang around outside houses so they can get a picture or two. The British
media need resolving. They cannot continue to invade people’s lives in the way
they do. If they stopped for a moment, these non-entities will disappear and we
might stand a chance of getting some culture back.

I doubt that will hapen though in this day and age so we have three options; accept them, ignore them or shoot them. I really hope it's the latter.

May the force be with you.

Jedi Master Bob