Wednesday, 1 February 2012

Americans Ready To Declare War On Heaven

The American Government have revealed plans for a spectacular, pre-emptive strike against God and Heaven.

Fearing the arrival of 21 December 2012 when the world will come to an end, the Americans want to prove once again that they, and only they can save the world from Armageddon and in the process, disarm God and bring him to justice for crimes against humanity.

“Intelligence reports God has weapons of mass destruction and that he intends to use them on 21 December 2012. We intend to stop him, before he does more damage to this planet,” says a Pentagon official.

And the White House confirmed that God will be caught and brought to justice for his crimes against the very race he created. “God has killed, continuing to kill and allowed others to kill in his name. It’s time we put a top to it. God will answer for his crimes.”

President Barack Obama was unavailable for comment, but his office have stated that the Heaven mission is strategically important for future wars. “We could invade Iran now, we would certainly like to, but what would be the point if the world ends this year? If December 21 2012 is allowed to happen, all other planned foreign wars are pointless. The main objective of the Heaven mission is to stop 21 December from happening. Then Iran is next.”

However, the military have admitted their concerns at such an operation. “We have to say that finding the entrance to Heaven will be a bit of a challenge. But we have people on the inside and, with the help of mediums on earth, it won’t be long before we find it. We’re coming for you, God.”

And the American public are strongly behind the plans to invade Heaven. “He created us then treats us like crap,” says one unnamed victim of The Almighty’s persecution. “Seriously, what sort of entity would allow us to live in a world like this? He hates us. He’s a mass murderer and should be held accountable.”

But there are some who are against the plans. Ernie Pike, a New York resident said “if they arrest God, who will we believe in then? Surely not ourselves. Are you serious?” And his wife Glenda said “We’d have to find something else to do on a Sunday morning other than going to church. This is scary stuff.”

Although God was, as usual, unavailable to answer questions as well as prayers, his official spokesman The Pope in Rome made a brief but fighting statement by saying “Bring it on you yankee fuckers.”

Something tells me this battle is going to be a long one.

May the force be with you

Jedi Master Bob

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