Becoming a celebrity these days is as easy as letting out a silent fart in a public place and blaming it on the child next to you. TV shows and media are queuing up to sign the next dickhead ready to put his or her name to any product in return for a stupid amount.
And Jedi Master Bob is here to help you achieve your dream and get the lifestyle you want with five ways to earn celebrity status.
1 Go On A Talent Show
What do you mean you haven’t got a talent? No one cares if you do or don’t. The fact is you have made a TV appearance, which entitles you to use the title of celebrity. Now you can open supermarkets, appear on daytime TV and get in magazines. The sky’s the limit so get yourself down to the nearest auditions now. Stardom awaits.
2 Get Yourself On A TV Reality Show
With reality TV shows still in abundance, you have every opportunity to get yourself in the public eye. This offers you a greater chance of becoming a celebrity as people are more exposed to your outrageous antics. So what if you degrade yourself? The money will be worth it.
3 Enter Politics
This is a great way to get some publicity, especially if you come up with a ridiculous solution to some problem. George Galloway, Lembit Opik and many others have achieved celebrity status by appearing in the House of Commons, or even just being married to a politician. So learn some policies and get your constituency on board. MP’s expenses and second home allowances are waiting for you to exploit them.
4 Marry A Rich Person
Easier said than done but still possible. You need to be single and pretty desperate and the rich person also needs to be an ugly fucker. Anyway once you have a share of their money, go and do something stupid, like knocking down a homeless person or getting drunk at a top party. The media will soon be knocking at your door for an exclusive.
5 Shag A Footballer
The ultimate way to celebrity stardom. By spreading your legs for a footballer, or if your American, Soccer Star, you are guaranteed to be all over the news every day. Are you related to a footballer? Even better. Fuck him and let everyone know, even if it does end your marriage. It worked for Natasha Giggs so give it a go Always remember to tell the footballer concerned that you will not speak a word of it to anyone. If he makes you promise, cross your fingers, then it doesn’t count. Once you’re in the limelight, do things like getting your tits out or, even better, shag another footballer. You might be degrading yourself and look like a complete slut and, let’s face it you will be, but just think of all the column inches you’ll get. You won’t regret it.
So if you follow any of the above, you will be well on your way to becoming a celebrity. The more you do, the greater your income. And don’t forget, once you become a celebrity you can bring out an autobiography, like Stacy Solomon did. I still don’t know who the fuck she is but does she care?
And the price? Becoming a celebrity will only cost you your soul and dignity. So what are you waiting for? Get yourself out there now.
May the force be with you.
Jedi Master Bob