Sunday, 18 March 2012

Slappers Claim Take Me Out Is Fixed After Failing To Get Laid

A group of slappers who failed to get laid after appearing on shit ITV1 show Take Me Out have made claims the show is fixed and blame producers for them not getting a shag.

The girls, who have not been named as everyone will know what sluts they are, said producers of the sexist show told them when to keep their lights on and when to turn them off, prompting complaints that they have been denied a ‘decent bit of cock.’

In case you are among the majority who don’t know the show, it is hosted the Paddy McGuinness, who is about as funny as a three way with Charles and Camilla, and features thirty desperate girls whose faces contain more make up than an Estee Lauder factory. Along with these women is one man desperate to humiliate himself before a studio audience and the nation as he tried to pull one of them.

The girls then decide whether or not they like him by turning lights on or off until only a couple remain, before the bloke has to choose one.

Yeah, shit isn’t it? Yet somehow this manages to get on prime time television.

One former contestant who has fallen victim to the ITV producers’ dictatorship said “I really fancied this one bloke right and the producers right told me right I couldn’t have him. Instead I ended up with some right minger with a tiny cock. How unfair is that?”

And another Saturday night cock hunter said, “One of the girls on the show was a prostitute. Can you believe that? I hope it wasn’t me cos I’ll be dead embarrassed if it was.”

In addition to the female allegations, the male contestant also made complaints about the show. “You really had to question the quality of the women,” said one contestant. “I went out there, expecting to see some babes and what I was faced with was women who you’d only look at through beer goggles. I’ve had to have therapy to try and wipe the memory of them.”

But the makers of the show strongly denied the claims with a spokesman saying, “What a load of shit. What we were simply doing was reminding them they had to turn their lights out if they didn’t like the bloke. Seriously, one girl was so stupid, she had to be shown forty times how to press the fucking button. That’s the level of intelligence we’re talking about here.

“What you have to understand is that the girls who go on this show are simpletons and sometimes need a little prompting. Is it our fault they all share a collective brain cell?”

Unfortunately for regular TV viewers, the claims of fixing are not enough to have it taken off the air and, until Doctor Who returns, I’m afraid we’re stuck with it.

May the force be with you Jedi Master Bob Follow me on Twitter if you want @FedUpJedi or Fed Up Jedi's Facebook page


  1. It's a bit of mindless shite for a Saturday night. Helps to distract me from my shit doomed meaningless existence.

  2. Well, none of this will matter on December 21 anyway.

  3. So you think it's going to be 'lights out' 'all out' for humanity in time for xmas then Bob?

  4. No, I just like to take the piss out of those that do. And if i'm wrong, who's going to be around to tell me otherwise? And if I'm dead, I won't exactly give a shit.

    Anyway, it won't be all of humanity and I'll be issuing my survival guide soon for anyone that does manage to avoid armageddon.

  5. It certainly wouldn't hurt planet earth if 4 billion people got vapourized.