Qatada was released from Long Lartin jail on Monday and placed under virtual house arrest, after being told he has to wear an electronic tag and be at home for twenty two hours a day. To make matters worse for Qatada, he has been banned from using the internet and telephone, which means he’ll have to use his two hours outsied the house to find a shop that will sell him porn.
It was expected that the British government would seek to extradite Qatada despite the so called Court of Human Rights, who care more about the rights of the people taking human rights away from innocent people, ruled it would breach Human Rights if he was sent back to Jordan in case they tortured him.
However, the Jordanian government have now said they will not harm Qatada if he is extradited. “We’ll give him a fair trial before we find him guilty,” said a government spokesman. “And we will certainly not torture him. We have no one in dungeons south of the capital preparing torture materials. Honest.”
“We’ve got this thing in place where we can’t even use torture as a threat now, how boring is that, so come on, what harm can it do? I know we found him guilty in his absence at two previous trials but we’ll forget about that until he gets here.”
Qatada is also wanted for terrorist related crimes in a number of other countries, however jordan have got first crack at getting him. One government official said “I’ve been waiting a long time to get my hands on that motherfucker. I just hope we can pull it off and get him here, then we’ll kick the shit out of him. In a humane way of course. We don’t want to breach Human Rights, do we?”
The British government were unable to comment on the possibility of Qatada being extradited but confirmed they were building a large boot with a large elastic in Dover ‘just in case.’
May the force be with you
Jedi Master Bob