Thursday, 16 February 2012

Sean Penn’s Mouth Threatening To Engulf the World

American actor Sean Penn’s mouth has now become so large it is threatening to engulf the entire planet, a new report claims today.

After opening his mouth to attack the British stance over the Falklands Islands, stating that the ‘world cannot tolerate colonialism,’ Penn has opened it wider to claim that Prince William’s deployment to the islands saying it was unthinkable that the UK can deploy a prince within the military to the islands.

But recent studies by scientists observing Penn’s comments have declared that unless the actor stops trying to start a war and shuts his mouth, he’s in danger of swallowing the entire planet.

“It is true that Sean Penn’s mouth is growing to amazing proportions,” said Paul Havers, lead scientist at the Institute for Studies of Bullshitting Actors. “His mouth is already large enough to swallow South America, and let’s face it, he’s probably swallowed [Venezuela President] Hugo Chavez a few times. But this latest outburst could take the North with it.”

And Havers confirmed that the genuine concern for the safety of the planet should Penn continue speaking. “If he doesn’t shut up soon, he’s going to devour every continent on the planet. He needs to be stopped”

There are no firm plans on how to close Penn’s mouth, which has now exceeded the size of his over-inflated ego, however the Institute is open to suggestions. “We are taking advise from other scientific institutes on how best to close this huge singularity before it kills us all. We’re running out of options.”

A Pentagon spokesman said they could send the military to intercept and destroy Penn, but they are concerned they simply do not have enough firepower to take his mouth out. “Even if we pulled all military personnel from all foreign countries and joined it with the British, we still would not be able to disable his mouth. Nuclear bombs maybe the answer, but we’ll need a lot of them.”

One alternative suggestion has come from former president George W Bush, who said, “What you need is a Death Star. Has anyone rang Darth Vader to ask if you can borrow his?”

Great suggestion Dubya. Vader died in Episode Six. Knobhead.

May the force be with you.

Jedi Master Bob

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