Monday, 20 February 2012

BBC To Forecast Weather So Chavs Can Understand Too

The BBC have announced they are moving with the times and are now forecasting weather reports so chavs can understand them as well.

The move comes after BBC weatherman promised that Monday would ‘by and large, simply a lovely winter’s day, but with bucket load of cunt in central and eastern areas.’ The use of the word cunt generated thousands of calls to the BBC, thanking them for finally becoming a modern organisation and relating to the many chavvy people that have tried for years to understand the weather reports.

A spokesman for the BBC said now intends to incorporate phrases into their weather reports so Chavs know what the reporter is talking about, such as:

  • An episode of Eastenders = Dull
  • They’ll be more white stuff than there is in your dealers bedroom = Snow is forecast
  • The inside of Katie Price’s head = Foggy
  • Like asking your wife for a shag after an argument = Very icy
  • Blowing harder than a hooker on a bonus = Very Windy
  • Blowing harder than a hooker on a bonus with a nervous tick – Very Windy with the possibility of structural damage
  • Leave your knickers off or you’ll stink like a rats arse = It’s going to be very warm
  • Wetter than a slag’s fanny at a gangbang = It’s going to rain all day
The BBC said that, while the new phrases were vile it is the only way they can possibly include chavs and make sure they understand weather reports like ‘normal people.’ They also stated this was not an exhaustive list and were appealing to chavs to give them further examples of stuff they can relate to.

However the phrases have been welcomed by chavs across the country. “It’s about fucking time,” said Mikey from Birmingham.on hearing the news. “We pay our bastard TV licence yet them fucking tossers on telly show up in their flash fucking suits, saying words I can’t bleeding understand. They’re a fucking joke.”

And his words are backed up by Chardonnay from Essex who said “I’ve spent years watching the weather, hoping to find out whether I would be able to take the TV in the back garden and watch Jeremy Kyle in the sunshine, but I just don’t understand it. They use words like cloudy. What does that mean? What the hell is a cloud?”

And a spokesman for footballer Wayne Rooney confirmed the striker’s pleasure at the news. “Now Wayne will be able to go onto the pitch, safe in the knowledge that if he knows it’s going to rain, the wicked witch [Colleen] won’t be able come and watch him play and he can go to a brothel after the game. Well done BBC.”

May the force be with you

Jedi Master Bob

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