Friday, 16 November 2012

Low Election Turnout Blamed On Everything Except The Government, Say The Government

Low turnouts for the first Police Commissioner Elections across the country have been blamed on a variety of reasons, ranging from poor media coverage to a high possibility of an alien attack, the government have stated today.

The first elections of its kind were held on Thursday evening and the government were hoping that the public, backed by the numerous amount of information on each and every candidate they provided, would be out in their droves to vote.

The turnout however, was somewhere in the region of 13-20% as people either didn’t know about them, didn’t care about them or simply did not have enough information to make a choice.

But it seems the latter has already been dismissed by the government, who said every person in the country had enough information and stated that other mitigating factors must have been at force to stop people from voting.

“In London, it was most definitely the media,” said a government spokesman today. “I mean, it couldn’t possibly be anything to do with us. We set it all up and everything, it’s then up to the media to promote it. But they are useless bastards at the end of the day. They were probably too busy reporting on Katie Price’s tits or something.”

Along the entire east coast, government officials reported a freak hurricane, which lasted the whole duration of the polling period, forced people to stay at home and watch TV, while in the North West of England, sightings of a large number of unidentified flying objects had scared people into staying at home.

“Apparently we were very, very, very close to an alien invasion,” said the spokesman. “We had to tell people to stay at home for their own safety. We had to wait for the Americans to arrive as they’re the only ones who could sort out such an attack. It was only at 10pm that people were safe again.”

But the spokesman vehemently denied that the government have covered up the real reasons why turnout was low when accused of not promoting the elections themselves. “Fuck off,” he said when asked the question. “We’re government, we don’t do shit like that. We have enough to do by penalising the poor and pretending we’re helping them. It’s a huge effort to keep up that pretence seven days a week.

“Besides, when has any government ever covered anything up? It’s never been done and it never will be. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must deliver Mr Clegg’s new gimp mask.”

May the force be with you

The Fed Up Jedi

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