Monday, 13 February 2012

God Rules Himself Out Of England Manager’s Job

God has officially ruled himself out of the vacant England manager’s position, his spokesman The Pope in Rome has said tonight.

The almighty was thought to be high on the FA’s shortlist and it was rumoured that he could form a dream management team with his son Jesus Christ as his right hand man. However, a statement from Rome said that god was ‘not interested in the position and was concentrating instead on not answering prayers and letting mankind rot in a cesspool of hate.'

“He’s not interested,” the statement said. “And that goes for Jesus as well. In fact, Jesus was not entirely keen on being god’s right hand man in the management set up as he already plays second fiddle to him in heaven.” Rome also confirmed that, even if god was interested, they would have resisted any offers it received from the FA. “There is no way we would have let him go. He's our boss. We'd never lose him to a national side.”

A spokesman for the FA confirmed that they will now abandon any attempt to install god as the new manager and will look at other religious entities that may be interested in leading the team to failure at future tournaments. “Obviously we are disappointed at our failure to land god. He could have worked miracles at Euro 2012. Literally. We’ll now sound out other gods to see what they think. Anyone know what allah’s doing at the moment?”

And a further blow to the FA came when Jedi Master Bob followed god’s example and ruled himself out of the running. Speaking to his own blog, The Fed Up Jedi, Master Bob said “there’s no way in hell I’d take that job. I’ve seen Wayne Rooney’s tweets and they need translating before understanding what he’s saying. Imagine doing that at pitchside?”

When asked who he thought should be appointed, Master Bob replied “Who gives a fuck? They’ll only be sacked in a few years when they don’t win anything. If you really push me though, I’d go for John Barnes and John Fashanu. That would really grate on the nerves of the racists blighting the game.”

A recent poll had Harry Redknapp slightly ahead, with Spongebob Squarepants with Milo from the Tweenies close behind.

May the force be with you.

Jedi Master Bob

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