Tuesday, 28 June 2016

Hunt To Promise ‘Best Out of Three’ Referendum

Conservative MP and best friend of the NHS Jeremy Hunt is to offer voters a best out of three referendum and promised to respect the wishes of the winner, so long as it’s the result he wants should he become the next Prime Minister.

Hunt, who did his best to bring the NHS to its knees, has stated he is seriously considering running for the leadership of the party following David Cameron’s resignation, despite previously stating that the role of Health Minister would be his last job in politics.

“Yes, Jeremy is very much going for the top job,” said a source close to Hunt today. “We’ve all seen what he did to the NHS so he’s looking forward to achieving greater things on a larger scale. And yes, by that I mean fucking everyone right up the arse.”

Hunt’s main ambition is to give the public another shot at the EU referendum by promising a ‘best out of three’ scenario, and said it would invoke the spirit of Iceland by coming back from 1-0 down to win 2-1.

“We all played best out of three in rock, paper, scissors  in school,” explained Hunt. “It was never settled on the result of the first one and, quite frankly if this is what it takes to get me in Downing Street, I’ll bloody do it. And of course I will respect the wishes of the ultimate winners, as long as it’s the remain campaign that wins.”

And with Theresa May and Boris Johnson as competition, Hunt’s bid to become the next leader is about as likely as a Nigel Farage statue in Romania. “Let’s face it,” said Hunt’s spokesman. “Jeremy has all the charisma of a half-eaten dead fish. He’s got fuck all going for him, clueless and lacking of any ideas of his own and relies on the media to tell him how to do things, therefore we are suggesting he put his name forward to become the next England manager instead.”

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