The Antarctic penguin empire has staked a claim on the Falklands Islands as the 30th anniversary of the war between the UK and Argentina over the islands grows closer.
Despite the UK officially controlling the islands and Argentina laying claim to what they call Las Malvinas, the penguin empire say that the islands ‘have and always will belong to them.’
“Las lslas de pinguinos, which is our name for the islands, belong to the penguin empire and have done for the last four hundred years,” said a spokesman for the empire. “In fact, thirty years ago we were planning an invasion. Then the bloody Argies come along and beat us to it but we’ve bided our time and we will now enter negotiations with the UK to take back the islands.
“We had it all planned. Seven thousand penguins would have easily overpowered the British garrison stationed on the islands but since the Argies failed, the British increased their presence, so we’ve had to have a rethink.”
British Prime Minister David Cameron accepts the penguin claim but re-iterated the stance taken with the Argies is the same for the penguins. “If the people of the Falklands want to remain British, then fair enough. If they want to be Argentinian, fine. I’m not so sure though that they would want to by ruled by penguins, but if that’s what they choose, them who am I to stand in their way. It might be a bit disturbing though.”
It’s encouraging news for the penguins and they have also received the backing of American actor Sean Penn, who has turned his back on Argentina following his failure to have sex with their president. “I fully support the penguin claim and I think both countries should enter into negotiations. What we don’t want to see is the UK giving the islands to the penguins and then Argentina invade thinking they’re an easy target. The UK would have to arm the penguins. That’s the way forward.”
When asked if the actor managed to get his end away with Argie president, Penn replied, “Obviously not otherwise I wouldn’t be supporting the penguins would I? I’m glad the penguins came along though otherwise I’d have to back the UK, then I’d look stupid. What do you mean I already do?”
The penguins however, believe in peaceful negotiations and will refuse the offer of any weapons in order to defend themselves. “We don’t need guns, missiles or battleships. We know these waters better than anyone. If need be, we can take the islands in a day. No-one would dare shoot a penguin, not in today’s world anyway.”
Argentina have refused to comment on the penguin claim but stated they will fight anyone for the islands, whether they come with gun, grenade or flipper.
May the force be with you
Jedi Master Bob