Thursday, 26 April 2012

Government Confirms Invading Mosquitoes Will Be Given Access To Housing And Benefits

The British government have responded to claims by scientists, who believe the UK could be invaded by deadly Asian Tiger Mosquitoes, by stating the invaders will be given homes and will also be eligible to take advantage of the British benefits system.

Scientists believe that, with the British climate changing and getting warmer (yeah right), the mosquitoes are moving towards Northern Europe and could eventually occupy Southern England.

And now, our super efficient government have promised to make the mosquitoes welcome in our country and even promised them the full advantages of our benefits system. “They are immigrants at the end of the day,” said a government spokesman today. “And, like all immigrants, we welcome them here with open arms and will allow them access to every benefit we have, and that includes housing the little mites.”

And the spokesman confirmed that the mosquitoes don’t necessarily have to work once they arrive in the UK. “There will be no pressure on them to join the workforce. They can live off our benefits for a few years. They can even bring other species of mosquito over if they want. Our borders are well and truly open to them.”

However the plans have been met by fierce opposition from Labour, who asked where the government would find the money from to pay for the mosquitoes. “We have plans for this sort of thing,” said the spokesman. “All we have to do is make it even more difficult for regular people to live. Maybe invent a new tax or two or just increase the existing ones. Fuck regular people. Who gives a shit about them?”

However the leader of the mosquito army has spoken exclusively to Jedi Master Bob and they admit that, while the lure of all the benefits are appealing, they are reluctant to come to Britain. “My cousin came here some years ago. He said it was really easy to get into the country – he didn’t even have a passport and he still got past border control – but very hard to get out. We’ve seen how hard it is for Abu Qatada to leave and he’s a terrorist, so can you imagine what it would be like for me and my guys to get out? And there are millions of us.

“And besides, your government say we’ll get benefits and don’t have to work like all other immigrants to your country, but in our experience, politicians are liars. They say live free and we try, but then they tax us heavily. If we don’t pay, they try to kill is with pesticide. Never trust a politician.”

Despite the mosquito’s stinging words, the government reiterated its pledge to the colony and indeed all immigrants to Britain, but stated that the French can go and fuck themselves if they think they’re coming here to live for free, the cheeky bastards. “Mosquitoes we can take,” said the government spokesman. “But we draw the line with the French.”

May the force be with you

Jedi Master Bob

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