Monday, 2 April 2012

Heaven In Impassioned Plea To Find God After Realising Jesus Is Not Up To Scratch

Angels in heaven have made a heartfelt and impassioned plea to mortals on earth, asking if anyone who has seen god or know of his whereabouts to let them know after finally admitting the deity has been missing for over 2,000 years.

A spokesperson for the angels said “Unfortunately, god has been missing for over two thousand years now and we would like to ask anyone who has seen him to let us know where he is or where you last saw him. Heaven needs him back. We miss him.”

The angel stated that they initially thought god’s disappearance was just a ‘passing phase’ after he got sick and tired of people praying to him every minute of the day and continually asking for favours, but began to worry when he didn’t return after a couple of hundred years.

“He’s gone missing before but never for this long,” stated the angel. “We started searching but obviously, we didn’t want to scare anyone so we didn’t say anything. I must admit though, it was quite funny to watch people praying and singing to him in church while I’m stood at the back, pissing myself laughing because no one was listening to them. It’s a good job they couldn’t see me.”

The announcement will come as a major blow to all god fearing church goers, who firmly believed that, despite the scientific advancements made by humans, god was sat on a magical throne in the sky watching over humanity and answering prayers whenever he heard them. They now face the harsh reality that god has not actually been there for them all these years and have wasted almost every Sunday praying to nobody.

“I’m wondering if he ever existed at all,” said Constance Harrison, an 82 year old catholic from Eastbourne. “I’m a staunch catholic and believed in everything the religion told me. Now I realise it might all be a lie. I can’t tell you how fucked off I am by this announcement.”

And Carol Baker, an unmarried retired, nursery teacher from Stoke said “I never married as I always believed I was married to god, but that’s just a joke, isn’t it? Imagine all the men I could have shagged as well. Not to mention the women. There’s still time I suppose. Where does Wayne Rooney live?”

And in another astonishing move, angels have sensationally criticised Jesus’ leadership of heaven, stating that the son of god is nothing like his old man and have seriously questioned the legitimacy of his claim to the kingdom of heaven.

“Jesus is a shit leader,” said one angel. “Sometimes he doesn’t know his arse from his elbow, yet he struts around the place, barking out orders and reminding everyone of the pain he went through while on the cross. Yes we all know what happened, but I don’t want to hear about it while I’m tucking into my Easter Eggs, do I? It puts me right off my Crème Egg.

“He does it every time we’re eating. I get and sandwich and he’s like ‘that’s my body you’re eating.’ Get a glass of wine and it’s ‘you’re drinking my blood, vampire.’ He’s a nightmare.”

And another angel wants Jesus to prove he is god’s son. “I think god should do a paternity test so we’re sure they’re related. That’s why we need to find him and quick. Jesus is fucking things up in heaven. He’s cutting everyone’s hours and treating us all like shit and I’ve had enough of it.”

Although Jesus was unavailable for comment, a spokesman for the lord said “This is complete bullshit. JC is a decent guy and treats everyone fairly. He died for your fucking sins so you better not forget it, bunch of bastards.”

(I am so going to hell for this)

May the force be with you

Jedi Master Bob

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