Under the proposed legislation, Internet companies will be told to install new hardware that will enable GCHQ, the government’s ‘listening’ agency, to examine every phone call, text message and email sent and web pages from every person in the UK, on demand and in real time.
Although the legislation is apparently to help police and security services to prevent terrorism and protect the public, a government insider, who has asked to remain anonymous said “I would advise anyone who downloads porn on a regular basis to stock up now while you can. Go out and get a new hard-drive and fill it with as much porn as possible, before it all runs out or we tax it.”
The comments have lead to a surge in downloads of porn, with many men signing up with premium sites in order for them to fill their hard drives with as much adult material to keep the monkey well and truly spanked for a long time to come.
“Like most men, I enjoy a regular trouser shuffle on the laptop while watching TV with the missus,” said Ian Braithwaite from Burnley. “But I don’t want the government knowing what I look at and wank to on the Internet, so I’m stocking up now before it’s too late. This legislation is an invasion of privacy. I bet the wife put them up to this so she knows what I’m up to, the sneaky bitch.”
Chris Nicholas, founder of the website ‘Gigantic Jugs of Joy.com’ claims the new legislation will lead to a shortage of Internet porn and thinks it will eventually disappear. “Gigantic Jugs of Joy has already seen a huge increase in membership and downloads of videos, but the real issue is that there could eventually be a shortage of decent porn on the Internet. We might just have to make do with flashes of side boobs and stuff. It won’t be ideal but it will have to do.”
And Frank Warrington, secretary of the Porn Protection League UK Branch believes the new powers would have far greater consequences for porn lovers. “This new legislation will force us onto the streets and into seedy shops in alleyways. Gone will be the days of a computer, a box of tissues and a keyboard cleaner. Hell, this may even reduce us to the embarrassment of buying top shelf magazines. It’s just not fair. Where am I supposed to hide them?”
However, the government did confirm that statistic-obsessed Britain would be including regular porn stats for all to see. “Why not?” said a government official. “We give stats for everything these days except on things that really matter. I mean, why would you want to know how many immigrants are entering the country over the amount of porn being downloaded each week? It’s a no brainer in my book.”
May the force be with you
Jedi Master Bob
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