Monday 30 April 2012

Metal Mickey Resurrected To Work In Probation Service

1980’s robot TV star Metal Mickey is to make a sensational comeback to regular life and is set to be employed by the Probation Service, it has been revealed.

In a huge cost–cutting exercise, the Probationary Service is looking to replace its human staff with machines and the lovable robot has been touted to head up the new team, should the plans come to fruition.

Mickey, whose real name is Cornelius F Huffleduster, has been out of work since the kids TV show finished in 1983. He spent the next five years attempting a comeback but was easily beaten by the Sinclair ZX Spectrum 48k computer, with its poor graphics, low memory and tape loading errors.


Mickey went into retirement at the end of 1988 but now, almost thirty years since the robot last appeared on our screens, he is ready to take on the ex-offenders and make sure they re reporting when required.

“It’s a great honour to be considered for this role,” said Mickey this afternoon. “It does mean that I’ll have to replace some of my famous catchphrases with more appropriate ones. It won’t really do to call a convicted burglar ‘stringbean’ or ‘bootface.’ It will be more like ‘Have you been good?’ ‘Sign here’ and ‘what have you done to get a job?’ It will be interesting, to say the least.”

And The Probationary Service are delighted that Mickey will be coming on board. “We need a figure for the convicts to relate to,” said a spokesman for the service today. “And what better role model can there be than a 1980’s talking robot? They’ll come straight out of prison and into the arms of Metal Mickey. Now that’s just beautiful.”

But the public reaction has not been very welcoming towards the former TV favourite. Ben Cates from Doncaster said “This is just plain ridiculous. Replacing humans with machines is a joke. That’s another step forward to the human race becoming extinct. They’ll rise up against us you know. That Metal Mickey is not as lovable as you all think. He’s a devious fucker.”

But Linda Cates, also from Doncaster said “Ignore Ken, he can be a prick sometimes. He’s convinced machines are going to take over the world but its Metal Mickey for Christ’s sake, he’s hardly The Terminator.

“I mean, to think computers will take over the Earth is just stupid. They can’t even close down properly without asking you if you’re sure a thousand times. I’ve told Ken this but he doesn’t listen to you once he’s got a crackpot idea in his head. He’s a knob. I don’t know why I married him.”

Unions are outraged by the plans but, as usual, the government will just say fuck it, ignore them and go ahead anyway. “Now that’s democracy,” says Mickey. “I need a wee wee.”

May the force be with you

Jedi Master Bob

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