Van Persie Recovering After Assassination Attempt Failed

Manchester United legend, all round good guy and threat to all women who refuse sex with him Robin van Persie, is recovering tonight after Swansea’s Ashley Williams attempted a blatant and outrageous murder attempt during the two side’s 1-1 draw this afternoon.

Grim Reapers In Staff Shortage Crisis In Run Up To Armageddon

The Grim Reaper Service (GRS) have given humanity a glimmer of hope that we may yet be spared Armageddon after senior officials admitted they are ill prepared and are suffering from a severe staff shortage for the once in a lifetime event.

God Resigns Sparking Election frenzy

Almighty God, father to everyone, Lord Forgiver and Managing Director of Heaven, has announced he is stepping down at the end of the year to spend more time sitting on his backside and watch humanity plunge further into despair.

Low Election Turnout Blamed On Everything Except The Government, Say The Government

Low turnouts for the first Police Commissioner Elections across the country have been blamed on a variety of reasons, ranging from poor media coverage to a high possibility of an alien attack, the government have stated today.

Freddie Starr Accused Of Posing As An Entertainer

Following the ban on spending time alone with his own children, Freddie Starr now faces fresh allegations after some newspapers and Internet sites reported him being classed as an entertainer.

Joe Hart In Bad Game Shocker

This evening, Joe Hart crashed to a 4-2 defeat in Sweden despite leading 2-1 at half time thanks to some absolutely shocking goalkeeping, woeful defending, abysmal in midfield and even less up front, leading some to call for other players to be involved in the national team.

Looking For A Job? Then Read On

As I don’t get paid a thing for writing this blog, I need a day job and today, my esteemed employers asked me to write a job advert for one of my colleagues who will be going on maternity leave. I’ve given it some thought and come up with the advert below. What do you think?

Armageddon To Save Thousands Of Men From Christmas Shopping Hell

Thousands of men across the country are celebrating the impending doom of civilisation and the end of humanity as we know it as Armageddon 2012 will give them a valid and reasonable excuse not to do any Christmas shopping this year.

Cameron’s Testicles Are Still Exceedingly Small, Say Top Tory MP’s

The size of Prime Minister David Cameron’s testicles have been brought into question as top Tory MP’s claim he just hasn’t got the balls to make big decisions.

Now Sooty and Sweep Come Forward in Savile Abuse Scandal

1980’s puppet favourites Sooty and Sweep have finally come forward and revealed how they had suffered abuse for years at the hands, and quite often the cock, of late paedophile Jimmy Savile.