Manchester United legend, all round good guy and threat to
all women who refuse sex with him Robin van Persie, is recovering tonight after
Swansea’s Ashley Williams attempted a blatant and outrageous murder attempt
during the two side’s 1-1 draw this afternoon.
The Dutchman, who has become an absolute legend at Old
Trafford for turning United into a one-man team, was assaulted as he lay on the
ground after first being fouled, with Williams lining the ball up before
unleashing an unstoppable shot which then connected with Van Persie’s rather
empty cranium.
“I’m okay,” said a clearly shaken Van Persie this evening.
“I just can’t believe that someone would try and kill me like that. Why am I
always the victim? Why? I would never, ever try and destroy anyone’s life. And
that’s a fact.”
Swansea defender Williams claimed the hit wasn’t intentional
and him kicking the ball was more in ‘frustration,’ a claim that is unlikely to
satisfy the imminent police investigation, which will be led by Chief
superintendent Taggart, or the management at Old Trafford, which happens to be
one and the same.
“It could have easily killed him,” raged United manager Sir
Alex Ferguson after the match. “Everyone knows that Robin’s head is not as full
as a normal person, so to kick a ball at him is disgraceful. His bloody head
could have caved in.”
And Ferguson also called for the FA to take action on the
Swansea man and the team itself. “By rights, we should be awarded the three
points form that match and an additional three points in compensation. Swansea
should be banned for eight games and Williams banned for life. I hope my
Association, the FA take this course of action and soon.
“I also think they should deduct ten points from Manchester
City and Chelsea for their part in the incident. They clearly instigated it and
would benefit most from Robin being dead.”
It’s the second time in three weeks that a United player
could have been murdered after Rio Ferdinand was hit by over one million coins
thrown by every Manchester City supporter in the Manchester derby two weeks
ago.
“First coins being thrown and now this,” Ferguson continued
to anyone who would give half a shit. “Rio almost had his head taken off by
razor sharp coins two weeks ago and now the players are trying it. Something
has got to be done and the first step is by declaring us champions right now.”
Since Williams was booked at the time, it is unlikely the FA
will get involved, however that may well change once Ferguson gets on the
hotline in the morning.
May the force be with you
The Fed Up Jedi
Follow me on Twitter if you want @thefedupjedi or Fed Up Jedi's Facebook page
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