Sunday, 23 December 2012

Van Persie Recovering After Assassination Attempt Failed

Manchester United legend, all round good guy and threat to all women who refuse sex with him Robin van Persie, is recovering tonight after Swansea’s Ashley Williams attempted a blatant and outrageous murder attempt during the two side’s 1-1 draw this afternoon.

The Dutchman, who has become an absolute legend at Old Trafford for turning United into a one-man team, was assaulted as he lay on the ground after first being fouled, with Williams lining the ball up before unleashing an unstoppable shot which then connected with Van Persie’s rather empty cranium.

“I’m okay,” said a clearly shaken Van Persie this evening. “I just can’t believe that someone would try and kill me like that. Why am I always the victim? Why? I would never, ever try and destroy anyone’s life. And that’s a fact.”

Swansea defender Williams claimed the hit wasn’t intentional and him kicking the ball was more in ‘frustration,’ a claim that is unlikely to satisfy the imminent police investigation, which will be led by Chief superintendent Taggart, or the management at Old Trafford, which happens to be one and the same.

“It could have easily killed him,” raged United manager Sir Alex Ferguson after the match. “Everyone knows that Robin’s head is not as full as a normal person, so to kick a ball at him is disgraceful. His bloody head could have caved in.”

And Ferguson also called for the FA to take action on the Swansea man and the team itself. “By rights, we should be awarded the three points form that match and an additional three points in compensation. Swansea should be banned for eight games and Williams banned for life. I hope my Association, the FA take this course of action and soon.

“I also think they should deduct ten points from Manchester City and Chelsea for their part in the incident. They clearly instigated it and would benefit most from Robin being dead.”

It’s the second time in three weeks that a United player could have been murdered after Rio Ferdinand was hit by over one million coins thrown by every Manchester City supporter in the Manchester derby two weeks ago.

“First coins being thrown and now this,” Ferguson continued to anyone who would give half a shit. “Rio almost had his head taken off by razor sharp coins two weeks ago and now the players are trying it. Something has got to be done and the first step is by declaring us champions right now.”

Since Williams was booked at the time, it is unlikely the FA will get involved, however that may well change once Ferguson gets on the hotline in the morning.

May the force be with you

The Fed Up Jedi

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