Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Grim Reapers In Staff Shortage Crisis In Run Up To Armageddon

The Grim Reaper Service (GRS) have given humanity a glimmer of hope that we may yet be spared Armageddon after senior officials admitted they are ill prepared and are suffering from a severe staff shortage for the once in a lifetime event.

The GRS, who are responsible for the deaths of thousands of humans every year, said they haven’t had enough time to prepare for the impending doom, nor have the had sufficient capabilities to recruit and train new reapers into the service in time for Friday’s end of the world spectacular.

A spokesman for the GRS said, “One hundred and forty four thousand years is nowhere near long enough to prepare to kill seven billion people in one go. I don’t think the bloody Mayans took the population boom into account when making their wacky predictions. As a result, we may not be able to mercilessly slaughter every human on the planet. There may be some survivors, probably around seven billion if I’m being honest.”

All annual leave within the service has been cancelled and even those reapers that have called in sick are being drafted back to work to try and handle the crisis. “There are some who are off sick this time every year,” said the spokesman. “They ring in sick, then we see them in Argos doing their Christmas shopping. Well not this year, this is the big one and we want everyone available. Friday is going to be one hell of a busy day.”

One reaper, known only as ‘Kevin’ said “Is this really surprising since the GRS is run by the same firm that almost fucked up the Olympic security? It’s just down to complete mis-management. This is what happens when you privatise companies then give them the huge responsibility of killing the entire planet. It’s a joke, it really is.

“But I’ll tell you something as well, those dickhead Mayans should have known better than have this at this time of year. We’re already busy as fuck with suicides and stuff in the run up to Christmas. The last thing we needed was an assignment to completely wipeout mankind. Personally though, I think it will be cancelled.”

The announcement of the crisis has been met with derision by many deities, with both God and Allah* said to be bitterly disappointed that not as many people as predicted will die on Friday. In a joint news conference, God said, “It’s beyond a fucking joke that the GRS have dragged their heels for this length of time and now they say they haven’t got the staff to cope. Bunch of fucking tossers. I was looking forward to casting people into hell as well, especially that twat The Fed Up Jedi. He’s always taking the piss out of me. I’ll get him one day.”

And Allah for once agreed with his Christian counterpart. “It’s pathetic. The GRS are an absolute shambles, worse than that bloody coalition government in Britain and that’s fucking saying something. But in truth, it’s a good job they’ll be survivors. Our side of Heaven ran out of virgins a while ago and many of our women have been around the block a few times to be honest so it might be better if we don’t do it this week. Is it too late to cancel? Can we have our money back?”
*Other deities are available

May the force be with you

The Fed Up Jedi

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