Wednesday 30 May 2012

Howard Webb Considering Old Trafford Future

Referee and huge Manchester United fan Howard Webb is said to be considering his future at Old Trafford after growing disillusioned with his club’s feeble efforts in the transfer market, despite some bookmakers making him favourite to take over from Sir Alex Ferguson when the Scot retires or dies.

Webb has become a crowd favourite at Old Trafford but fell out of favour when Ferguson dropped him in favour of Andre Marriner the crucial Manchester Derby against City at the Etihad in April. United lost the game 1-0 before losing the league title two weeks later and Webb has revealed his disappointment at missing that vital game.


“It was annoying to be dropped for the City game,” said Webb. “They needed me out there that night. If I’d been on the pitch, there’s no way they would have lost but after they dropped me it hurt.

“A week later, Fergie sent me to Newcastle to make sure City lost but I thought ‘fuck that, you drop me like a ton of bricks then expect me to win the game for you?’ That’s when I first had my doubts about the club I love.”

And Webb also spoke of his disillusionment at United’s inability to sign a quality player after missing out on Eden Hazard. “That’s the killer really,” said Webb. “Chelsea get Hazard, City buy players like Aguero and Yaya Toure and who do we get? Paul Fucking Scholes out of retirement. Who’s next? Cantona? Cole and Yorke? They’re a joke. Just shows you how attractive United are these days.”

Webb’s words will come as a shock to his children who have always maintained that their father has never been on United’s payroll. “It’s unbelievable,” said King Eric, Webb’s oldest son. “I can’t believe he’s kept that from us all these years. Me and my brothers, Buchan, Keano and Cristiano are all in a state of shock. We had no idea he was a red. There was absolutely no indication whatsoever of his loyalties.”

Meanwhile, bookmakers have suspended bets on Webb succeeding Alex Ferguson when he retires at the end of the season, if football seer and Wigan chairman Dave Whelan is proved correct. “United need someone who will influence the team on the pitch as well as off it. Who better than Webb to lead them into the new era? United would be guaranteed to win every game with him in charge.”

With Webb’s loyalties to United seemingly changing, Ferguson will now have the unenviable task of finding a new twelve man to play in the middle of the park. “Webb’s gone, Marriner’s a definite no after the last derby so we’re a bit stuck, but I’m sure Sir Alex will have a new twelve man in place by the start of the season. Does anyone know Graham Poll’s number?”

May the force be with you

Jedi Master Bob

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