Friday, 16 November 2012

God Resigns Sparking Election frenzy

Almighty God, father to everyone, Lord Forgiver and Managing Director of Heaven, has announced he is stepping down at the end of the year to spend more time sitting on his backside and watch humanity plunge further into despair.

God, who has been in charge of the earth since it’s creation four and a half billion years ago, made the decision as he was getting sick of people who call themselves human, killing in his name.

“I think he’s had enough,” said god’s official spokesman The Pope in Rome. “He’s getting a lot of bad press at the moment, so he’s decided now is the time to step aside and let some other shmuck, sorry person to take over and see if he can sort it out. Or she, of course. Like that will happen.”

And god himself said “Don’t you think I deserve a rest? I built this fucking planet on a week, sorted Adam and Eve out, the dirty pair of bastards and watched my lad get nailed to a cross. After four billion years, I’m retiring so piss off, I don’t fucking care anymore.”

God admitted that, during his time in charge of the earth he had made some mistakes that he ended up regretting later in life. “I’ll never live the dinosaurs down to be honest. Thought I’d done a good job at hiding the evidence too. And Liverpool. I don’t think I should ever created that place. Serious mistake there.”

With god stepping down, it is widely expected that Jesus would take control, however several candidates have said they intend to stand for election. Saint Peter has already said that he will stand against Jesus, while both Elvis and Winston Churchill has spoken through a medium to say he will also challenge.

“Elections are going to take place in the first week of December,” said a heavenly spokesman earlier. “We want to get them out of the way before Jesus has his 2012th birthday bash. You’d think he’s be bored with parties now but now he still wants one every bloody year.

Meanwhile, god botherers on earth will be on tenterhooks waiting to find out who will be the next god.

“I hope BBC or ITV will cover it live,” said Aimee Walker from Shrewsbury. “Maybe they could do a reality TV show out of it, like Big God or something. That’d be good.”

May the force be with you

The Fed Up Jedi

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