Wednesday 14 November 2012

Armageddon To Save Thousands Of Men From Christmas Shopping Hell

Thousands of men across the country are celebrating the impending doom of civilisation and the end of humanity as we know it as Armageddon 2012 will give them a valid and reasonable excuse not to do any Christmas shopping this year.

For the vast majority of men, December 22nd is the traditional day they hit the shops in search of any old shit, but the end of the world scheduled for December 21st has saved many men from this fate and, of course subsequent shopping trips ever.

Ethan Barnard, a fat-arsed, lazy bastard from Essex said “What brilliant timing. I was planning to go out on that last Saturday and have a few beers before I did some shopping but Armageddon has saved me. Long live Armageddon. What is Armageddon anyway?”

And Lewis Duncan from Leeds said “Last year was hell and I said that I was never, ever going to do this again. And I was fucking right. Give me a choice between Christmas shopping or dying in a hailstorm of fire and brimstone, I know what I would choose.

“Tell you what though, I can’t wait to see my wife’s face on that Friday when we all go up in flames. She’s bought loads of presents already and she keeps nagging me about getting my shopping done early. I’m going to piss myself laughing. Through the pain of dying of course.”

However men have been warned there is a possibility that Armageddon may not actually happen, with some ridiculous experts saying the Mayan’s got it wrong. “They are out by at least 100 years,” said Professor Neil Watson, crackpot lecturer on Mayan history from Bristol. “There is absolutely no proof that the world is going to end and certainly the Mayans couldn’t have predicted it. They were all too busy shagging goats or something like that.”

Shortly after our interview, Professor Watson was carted away to the loony bin to share a room with George W Bush.

May the force be with you

The Fed Up Jedi

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