Cesar To be Drug Tested Following QPR Title Claims

New Queens Park Rangers signing Julio Cesar is to become the first Premier League player in history to be tested for drugs before even playing a game for his club, following his claims that he wants to win the league with the West Londoners.

Taliban Declare War On Anything That Improves Life

The Taliban have declared war on absolutely anything that could potentially improve the quality of life for people in Afghanistan, including having fun and women being allowed to be classed as human as opposed to ‘things.’

 The declaration comes after seventeen people were mercilessly executed for having the audacity to have some fun and enjoy themselves at a party where male and female guests mixed and music was played.

A Letter To My Lovely Neighbours

Last night, my neighbours decided to keep me awake for most of the night while they discussed their lives in the street. This morning, I have decided to thank them with the following letter. What do you think?

Two Men To Receive Honours For Punching Joey Barton

Two 21-year-old men are set to receive honours from the Queen after giving professional thug and alleged footballer Joey Barton a well-deserved and long overdue smack in the face.

Queen Is Hysterical When She’s Had A Few, Claims Archbishop

The Archbishop of Canterbury Dr Rowan Williams has released a video tribute to the Queen on the eve of the Diamond Jubilee and states that the Queen is ‘absolutely hysterical when she’s had one too many sherries.’

Howard Webb Considering Old Trafford Future

Referee and huge Manchester United fan Howard Webb is said to be considering his future at Old Trafford after growing disillusioned with his club’s feeble efforts in the transfer market, despite some bookmakers making him favourite to take over from Sir Alex Ferguson when the Scot retires or dies.

UK Basks In Eurovision Glory

The United Kingdom’s Eurovision organisers were celebrating last night after Englebert Humperdinck successfully avoided finishing bottom in the final points table.

Why Can't Women Take A Compliment?

Now, I like to think that I’m a fairly decent person and like to give compliments to those that deserve it, whether it be how someone looks or for the work they have done. My compliments are greeted with a smile and a feeling that I have just made someone’s day. But it seems not everyone likes to be complimented as I found out today.

Joe Hart Is Surprise Inclusion In Hodgson’s England Squad

Manchester City goalkeeper Joe Hart is a surprise inclusion in Roy Hodgson’s first England squad as the new manager named his selection of players that will be sent home after the first week of the tournament.

Tool of the Year – Contender Number 8 - Derek Acorah

For a psychic, I bet he didn’t see this one coming. Derek Acorah makes our list following his claims that Madeleine McCann is dead and died a long time ago, therefore not only becoming a contender for Tool of the Year, but also Sick, Ignorant, Fake Bastard of the Year as well.