Two 21-year-old men are set to receive honours from the
Queen after giving professional thug and alleged footballer Joey Barton a
well-deserved and long overdue smack in the face.
The men allegedly punched the midfielder outside a nightclub
in Liverpool and are currently being held on suspicion of doing what everyone
in the country has wanted to do for a while. They have also been put forward
for a medal honouring their actions.
The Queen is said to be thrilled at the opportunity to
honour the men, with a Buckingham Palace spokesman saying Her Majesty pissed
herself laughing when she read it on the news this morning.
“She was in hysterics this morning,” said the spokesman.
“She kept saying that he ‘wasn’t so fucking hard now’ and ‘the ugly fucker
deserved it.’ She can’t wait to meet the men who had done it. I think she’s
going to give them a knighthood. It has really made her Jubilee weekend
somewhat sweeter.”
Police meanwhile have released more details about the
‘attack’ and have described the moment leading up to the moment the whole
country has been waiting for. “We have eyewitness accounts describing the
scene,” said a police spokesman from Merseyside police. “Joey Barton was
mouthing off, saying who he should have been in the England side and claimed
they were crap without him. Everyone around just laughed at him and walked
away, knowing what an arsehole he really is.
“He left when he finally realised no one gave a shit about
what he was saying and when he was outside, he was confronted by two men, one
of which gave him a slap. Barton fell to the floor, crying like a baby and
asking for his mother. We checked all the police cells in the area for her but
couldn’t find her. He then ran off but his wailing could be heard for several
hours. At one point, we had several calls saying there was a wounded animal in
the area. We said ‘yes there is, it’s Joey Barton.’”
Barton’s Twitter account, which usually spouts out his shit
when he’s not on the pitch, has been unusually quiet, probably due to all his
well-wisher that want to see him up and about as soon as possible so someone
else can have a pop at him.
Barton was sent off in QPR’s final game of the season at
Manchester City and was forced to watch as the team he once shamefully
represented went on to win the Premier League, proving that if you want to get
anywhere in life, make sure Joey Barton is not part of it.
May the force be with you
Jedi Master Bob
Follow me on Twitter if you want @FedUpJedi or Fed Up Jedi's Facebook page
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