Two 21-year-old men are set to receive honours from the Queen after giving professional thug and alleged footballer Joey Barton a well-deserved and long overdue smack in the face.
The men allegedly punched the midfielder outside a nightclub in Liverpool and are currently being held on suspicion of doing what everyone in the country has wanted to do for a while. They have also been put forward for a medal honouring their actions.
The Queen is said to be thrilled at the opportunity to honour the men, with a Buckingham Palace spokesman saying Her Majesty pissed herself laughing when she read it on the news this morning.
“She was in hysterics this morning,” said the spokesman. “She kept saying that he ‘wasn’t so fucking hard now’ and ‘the ugly fucker deserved it.’ She can’t wait to meet the men who had done it. I think she’s going to give them a knighthood. It has really made her Jubilee weekend somewhat sweeter.”
Police meanwhile have released more details about the ‘attack’ and have described the moment leading up to the moment the whole country has been waiting for. “We have eyewitness accounts describing the scene,” said a police spokesman from Merseyside police. “Joey Barton was mouthing off, saying who he should have been in the England side and claimed they were crap without him. Everyone around just laughed at him and walked away, knowing what an arsehole he really is.
“He left when he finally realised no one gave a shit about what he was saying and when he was outside, he was confronted by two men, one of which gave him a slap. Barton fell to the floor, crying like a baby and asking for his mother. We checked all the police cells in the area for her but couldn’t find her. He then ran off but his wailing could be heard for several hours. At one point, we had several calls saying there was a wounded animal in the area. We said ‘yes there is, it’s Joey Barton.’”
Barton’s Twitter account, which usually spouts out his shit when he’s not on the pitch, has been unusually quiet, probably due to all his well-wisher that want to see him up and about as soon as possible so someone else can have a pop at him.
Barton was sent off in QPR’s final game of the season at Manchester City and was forced to watch as the team he once shamefully represented went on to win the Premier League, proving that if you want to get anywhere in life, make sure Joey Barton is not part of it.
May the force be with you
Jedi Master Bob
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