Taliban Declare War On Anything That Improves Life

The Taliban have declared war on absolutely anything that could potentially improve the quality of life for people in Afghanistan, including having fun and women being allowed to be classed as human as opposed to ‘things.’

 The declaration comes after seventeen people were mercilessly executed for having the audacity to have some fun and enjoy themselves at a party where male and female guests mixed and music was played.

Such a crime in the UK would usually end with the police arriving and asking the partygoers to keep it down before joining the party themselves, but the former Afghan leaders seem to have an antiquated method for handling people having a good time.

The Taliban, whose origins are unknown but their beliefs are still stuck in the 13^th century, vehemently condemn any act of open displays of affection and also deny women the opportunity of education, employment, social inclusion in public life and anything that might actually make a female feel like a human being.

 A spokesman for the Taliban said, “Our actions are fully justified. How dare these people have a good time? Do they not realise we are trying to build an oppressive society for them to live in?

“I mean, these are men mixing with women. Men and women! And they were playing music and you know that when men and women start dancing, ankles start being flashed and that can only lead to one thing; freedom of choice and unarranged marriage and we can’t have that.”

However a Taliban insider claimed the regime’s strict rules are because the Taliban leader has often failed to get laid at the parties, which prompted the ban in the first place.

“When he was younger, he was always out at parties trying to get laid, but the girls never paid him any attention. They would flash their ankles at other guys but never him and he got so pissed off that when he became leader, he banned parties completely. Shame really, I’ve had a few ankle flashes myself in my time but I’ve never told him. He’d go apeshit”

Since the invasion of Afghanistan, the Taliban have resisted all attempts to bring them into the 21^st century, however allied troops are confident they will bring modernisation to the country.

“Part of the mission in Afghanistan was to bring them out of the dark ages and we will achieve it. When we first arrived here, we found stuff like Ducking Stools, Wheel of Swords and stuff like that so we’ve sent them off to a few museums where they belong.

“The plan now is to get the Taliban thinking the way people in the 15^th century thought and plough on from there. We’ll get to them in the end.”

May the force be with you

The Fed Up Jedi

Follow me on Twitter if you want @thefedupjedi or Fed Up Jedi's Facebook page