A Letter To My Lovely Neighbours

Last night, my neighbours decided to keep me awake for most of the night while they discussed their lives in the street. This morning, I have decided to thank them with the following letter. What do you think?

Dear Number 48

I would like to thank you for taking the opportunity in preventing me from sleeping last night. I didn’t really need the sleep anyway, having gone to bed just three hours earlier so I appreciate your efforts in waking me in order to listen to your argument.

As you are aware, at around 2.30am, you began an argument which eventually awoke many in the street, most of whom are lazy, selfish bastards like me who crave more than three hours sleep per night in order to function for work the following day.

The argument started with a female banging on the front door which, I would like to add, is an excellent way to wake the neighbours, so well done on using your initiative. It then continued into the street with the female discussing, at a volume of voice which was previously thought impossible, the males’ chance meeting with a girl in Manchester who offered a particular service in exchange for monetary payment.

According to the male, this lady’s art of pleasure was based at a considerably higher level than the females, which caused the female to raise her voice to an inhuman level and I understand this was the reason for the first punch, although I do believe the males’ following statement that he caused the lady to scream like a raging banshee might be slightly exaggerated.

After around 50 minutes of intense discussion, you then went indoors and I had the audacity to believe I could return to sleep. I therefore would like to thank you further for leaving the front door wide open, which allowed me to continue listening.

 After a further 40 minutes the discussion, which I must say was highly entertaining even in my state of severe sleep deprivation, ended and I am now much clearer on your lives and now understand you better. I now see that you earn your money by working deals with youngsters using certain brands of white powder and tablets. I therefore assume that you are a pharmacist and the people who visit you house regularly are suppliers or customers, although they could dress a bit smarter and benefit from some soap!

I would like to work from home one day and wonder how to start a business like yours. Maybe you could teach me how it’s done, although I wouldn’t want the police there as often as you do.

I and the rest of the street have enjoyed hearing about your lives but please ignore the selfish bastard who told you to ‘shut the fuck up’ before telling everyone what time it was. That was pretty pointless; who doesn’t have a clock these days?

Thank you again

Your friends

The street.

I think that sounds okay, do you?

May the force be with you

Jedi Master Bob

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