Tool of the Year – Contender Number Six – Liam Stacey

You might be asking, who the fuck is that? Well I’m going to tell you if you show a little patience.

Liam Stacey is a vile excuse for a human being, who decided it would be a good idea to make fun out of Fabrice Muamba, the Bolton Wanderers footballer who suffered an on-the-pitch cardiac arrest.

US Government Admit Defeat As New Justin Bieber Single Escapes

The US Government have admitted defeat in their battle to contain the music of Justin Bieber as another single today escaped the music factory and warned that outbreaks of screaming and crying from teenage girls and gay men are likely to follow.

Senior government figures have been working around the clock in an effort to stop the single being released by Bieber’s record label and they thought the threat had been contained, only to see it hit the virtual shelves today.

Rich Asking For List Of People That Won’t Have Dinner With Cameron

The world of the rich was in uproar last night as Prime Minister David Cameron continued to reject calls to publish a list of people that would refuse to have dinner with him and his wife, with some even claiming the Prime Minister is into kinky sex games.

Queen Gunning For Alan Hansen On Visit To MOTD Studios

The Queen and Prince Phillip visited the Match of the Day studio at Media City in Salford today and asked, “Where does that dickhead Alan Hansen sit?”

The visit was part of Her Majesty’s 60^th jubilee tour and the football mad monarch was quite excited as she entered the MOTD studios.

Police Lines Inundated As Huge Ball Of Light Sighted In British Skies

Worried members of the public across the country have flooded police lines as a huge ball of heat and light continues to dominate British skies.

The phenomenon, which has many scientists baffled, started earlier in the week, however concerned citizens have now begun contacting police in an effort to understand exactly what is going on.

Do A Tulisa - A Male ‘Celebrity’ Guide To Ensuring Your Name Stays In The Headlines

Male celebrities; you muscle bound, bronzed gods. Did you really think we’d leave you out of our guides, you big bunch of women?

It’s a little harder for male ‘celebrities to earn the title of celebrity. For most, it’s not as simple as sticking a cock in your mouth and filming it. It’s what you do with your cock that matters, not someone else’s.

Do A Tulisa - A Female ‘Celebrity’ Guide To Ensuring Your Name Stays In The Headlines

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Peru To Outcast Paddington Bear Over Falklands Dispute

Peru is to formally make Paddington Bear an outcast after he refused to leave London and return to home in order to show solidarity with Latin American countries.

The move came after Peruvian president Ollanta Humala turned a British frigate away from their country and rejected a visit to London in order to show support for Argentina over the Falkland Islands.

Nine Months To Armageddon 2012 – Apparently

Well, it’s the official beginning of Spring today and with its arrival, the huge majority of us say goodbye to their last ever winter.

In case you’re unaware and wondering what the fuck I’m talking about, I’ll explain. There are some in our society who believe that, because the Mayans didn’t bother to write any more calendars after 21 December 2012, that the world will end. Have you ever heard of anything more pathetic other than when Nick Clegg speaks?

Tax Statements To be Issued So We Can See How Our Money Is Wasted

The chancellor George ‘Ossy’ Osbourne is set to announce plans to issue personalised tax statements from 2014 so that regular tax payers can see exactly what our money is being wasted on.

Ossy is to use his budget statement tomorrow to outline the plans so that those of us who have ho idea about the tax system can be more perplexed than ever, despite Ossy claiming it will be easier to understand and more transparent.