Senior government figures have been working around the clock in an effort to stop the single being released by Bieber’s record label and they thought the threat had been contained, only to see it hit the virtual shelves today.
“We are embarrassed to say that Justin Bieber’s new single ‘Boyfriend’ did indeed escape into mainstream music today,” confirmed a government spokesman. “Unfortunately, this means there will be a huge outbreak of teenage girls listening to the same song over and over again in their bedrooms, driving their poor parents crazy. Our thoughts are with them.”
And the Centre for Disease Control issued the following public service announcement in preparation of the outbreak.
“Bieber Music mainly affects girls from the age of five to high school years, however older women have been known to be susceptible to his music. If you are pregnant or intend to get pregnant, it is recommended that you do not listen to any of Justin Bieber’s music as this could seriously harm your baby’s ability to identify decent music in the future.
“The effects of Bieber’s music range from mild to severe. To start with, an infected person will disappear for a few hours and play the same piece of music continuously. Then, once the words are learnt, begin singing loudly at home, on the way to school or even in supermarkets.
“Buying the album is the next stage and it is highly recommended that help is sought immediately. If not, taste in music can seriously deteriorate. What was once enjoyable music suddenly becomes utter shit.
“In severe cases, infected Beliebers – yes they do call themselves that – end up following him on Twitter and begging him to follow them. At this stage, there really is no hope.
“If you know someone who is just beginning to listen to Bieber’s music, seek help immediately, however if it does get to the Twitter stage, the kindest thing you can do is put a bullet in their heads. No one will blame you for it.”
Following the statement, parents across the world began studying their children, looking for signs that they have been infected with Bieber music but some fear there is no hope for their teenagers.
Karen White from New Jersey said “I’ve got two teenage girls and I’ve shielded them as best I can from this threat but it’s still got them. They’re going to grow up knowing nothing about music than what Bieber sings. I think the only way is to take him out of existence, you know like if you kill the head zombie, everyone else is free. Maybe it’s the same for him.”
Government officials refused to comment on whether that was an option, but rumours have circulated that the Navy Seals who took Bin Laden out in such fine style are on standby should they be given the green light.
Here’s hoping.
May the force be with you
Jedi Master Bob
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