Do a Tulisa and not only will your desperation be abundantly clear, but you’ll hit the headlines as well.
Doing a Tulisa is easy but may take some time and will cost you a lot of dignity, but not your reputation, as you probably don’t have one, but if you’re as desperate as I suspect you are, all you have to do is follow these simple, yet effective steps. Before long, you’ll have the column inches that you’re looking for.
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING WILL MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE A LIAR AND A COMPLETE SLUT AND SHOULD ONLY BE ATTEMPTED BY TRAINED NON-ENTITY CELEBRITIES.
Equipment needed: Human being (The male cast of The Only Way Is Essex doesn’t count), Camcorder, a seedy looking flat, internet access, a good PR agent and a video expert who can make the film look older than it is (optional depending on desperation level).
Step 1 Set up the camcorder, making sure it is in the correct position to allow anyone watching to suspect it’s you, but not be entirely sure. This will be explained in step 4.
Step 2 Get down and dirty with the human. This can include blowjobs, tit-wanks, hand jobs, absolutely anything, but make sure you are clearly seen doing something, but showing your tits is pointless (unless in the aforementioned tit-wank). You’ve probably already been down that path, which is why you’re resorting to this filth now.
Step 3 Once sufficient time has passed (about a week maybe?) the video somehow or other gets on the internet. How did that happen?
Step 4 Here’s where your honesty and integrity (if you actually have any) will be questioned. Deny that it’s you in the video. It looks like you and it sounds like you. That’s because it is you. But lie like a politician and have everyone guessing who it is. It will all be worth it.
Step 5 End the shameless charade and admit it was you. You’ll get everyone wanting to see the video, huge column inches, just like you did when you made the video and, more importantly you’ll be back in the limelight again.
Step 6 Now it’s out in the open, state that it was ‘a long time ago’ and everyone will forgive you for being a dirty slut with no morals or ethics whatsoever.
See, it’s easy when you think about it and all it will cost is your soul and dignity, but what’s that when a big bank balance is waiting for you?
Now that scenario would not be feasible for men, so male non-entities don’t worry; I’ll be publishing your guidelines shortly as you lot are entitled to as much crap publicity as women.
May the force be with you
Jedi Master Bob
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