Do A Tulisa - A Male ‘Celebrity’ Guide To Ensuring Your Name Stays In The Headlines

Male celebrities; you muscle bound, bronzed gods. Did you really think we’d leave you out of our guides, you big bunch of women?

It’s a little harder for male ‘celebrities to earn the title of celebrity. For most, it’s not as simple as sticking a cock in your mouth and filming it. It’s what you do with your cock that matters, not someone else’s.

So we, the British public, would not expect you to copy Tulisa’s example, so we have written a male guide to keeping your name in the headlines. Obviously slightly changed but the principle is still the same

WARNING:

THE FOLLOWING MAY MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE A DRUG ADDICTED,

PROSTITUTE FUCKING SHITHEAD AND SHOULD ONLY BE ATTEMPTED BY TRAINED, NON-ENTITY CELEBRITIES

Equipment needed:    

Seedy hotel room in a strange location, alcohol, at least three prostitutes, (ugly), cocaine and credit cards (although flour can be used as prostitutes will not be able to tell the difference after three beers and a mouthful of semen) and a good PR agent

• Make sure the hotel booking is under a different name, then arrive at the hotel, claiming you are that person despite looking like you, the celebrity.

• Tell the hotel owner you have some ‘friends’ visiting and you would like it kept quiet. Make sure you pay a nice large sum to the owner and make it quite obvious what’s going on by asking if there’s a chemist nearby or if they have a condom machine.

• When the girls arrive, lock yourselves in your room, drinking, taking coke and shagging all three girls. After two days, they are starting to smell, so send them away and get three different ones, making sure they are just as ugly.

• Advise the hotel owner that three more ‘friends’ will be arriving and remind him of the need for anonymity. To make things better, use the following phrase ‘I won’t like the press to get hold of this, you know what I’m saying?’ Touch the side of our nose with your finger for effect. If the owner has any clout, he’ll be straight on the phone. If not, choose a better hotel next time.

• After another two days, finish your drunken, cocaine fuelled, prostitute fucking orgy and check the streets for paparazzi. If none are there, refuse to pay your bill. The owner will have no option but to tell the papers what you’ve been up to and you’ll be thrust back up to the top of the non-celebrity ladder in no time.

See? It’s as simple as five easy steps. Of course it costs slightly more than the female, with you having to pay for the hotel, beer, cocaine and the six hookers, but the notoriety that will follow will soon replace the outlay.

Now go right ahead and enjoy your new born fame. You deserve it.

May the force be with you

Jedi Master Bob

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