Tuesday, 20 March 2012

Nine Months To Armageddon 2012 – Apparently

Well, it’s the official beginning of Spring today and with its arrival, the huge majority of us say goodbye to their last ever winter.

In case you’re unaware and wondering what the fuck I’m talking about, I’ll explain. There are some in our society who believe that, because the Mayans didn’t bother to write any more calendars after 21 December 2012, that the world will end. Have you ever heard of anything more pathetic other than when Nick Clegg speaks?

Now I don’t know when we started basing our entire lives on an ancient civilisation, but I think that claiming the world will end just because the Mayans predicted people in 2012 would prefer top stick Hollyoaks babes and hunks on their walls instead of a shit Mayan version is a little over the top.

But that hasn’t stopped websites from popping up left, right and centre, all with countdowns similar to the one to your right, only they really believe that it’s going to happen. The only problem is, none of these sites actually know how this is going to happen.

Let’s run through the list of bollock talkers so you can see what I mean.

When we talk about shit like this, religion invariably plays a part and a bunch of god bothering tossers have created www.the-end.com, more like bell-end.com. Anyway, these bible bashing wankers claim that 2008 was god’s last warning to us humble mortals, however they have fucked the date up a little.

They claim that on December 14 2008, the first trumpet of the seventh seal of the book of revelations sounded. This apparently signalled the beginning of the collapse of the economy of the United States and once the fifth trumpet sounds, we’re all fucked and World War Three will start, with billions dying.

Run for the hills.

No stop before it’s too late. www.facingthesingularity.com says machines are going to take over the world, like in Terminator and such. Now facing The Singularity doesn’t give a time, but it does suggest humanity will succumb to machine.

Now if you’ve ever operated a computer, which you clearly would have done, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this, you know there’s absolutely no chance of these stupid things ever taking over the world. You actually have to tell the thing to shut down, ever then it asks if you’re sure before taking an eternity to finally go silent.

And if computers ever did try to take over the world, just give them a few tasks to complete at the same time. Within minutes, they will crash because it’s just too much for their tiny little CPU to handle.

But, machines like the terminator could come for you as big, stupid robots, so stop running for the hills and head towards the seas instead. You’ll be safe there.

Wait, before you get to the seas. There’s something you need to know.

www.december212012.com says the earth will undergo a polar shift in 2012, meaning the poles  - north and south, not the people from Poland – will move with cataclysmic effects, causing widespread death and destruction..

It will mean huge tidal waves, earthquakes, volcanos and all sorts of other natural disasters, meaning that absolutely nowhere will be safe. If this happens, then almost everyone, including you, will die in a horrible and painful way.

So, we’ve got god attacking us with World War Three, robots clearing the lands and the seas taking care of the rest of us. We’re all doomed.

But in all seriousness, there’s fuck all going to happen. There’s no hard evidence that there is anything wrong with the world. We’ve experienced some earthquakes, which religious dicks interpret as a sign of god, but ask this; if it was a sign from god, why send it to a highly tectonic area?

So everyone relax, don’t panic and don’t pay any attention to the doom and gloomers. But in the event they're right, I'll be sending you, my faithful followers, a survival guide, not that it'll do much good after all that, but at leats you'll be prepared.

May the force be with you

Jedi Master Bob

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