Peru To Outcast Paddington Bear Over Falklands Dispute

Peru is to formally make Paddington Bear an outcast after he refused to leave London and return to home in order to show solidarity with Latin American countries.

The move came after Peruvian president Ollanta Humala turned a British frigate away from their country and rejected a visit to London in order to show support for Argentina over the Falkland Islands.

Nine Months To Armageddon 2012 – Apparently

Well, it’s the official beginning of Spring today and with its arrival, the huge majority of us say goodbye to their last ever winter.

In case you’re unaware and wondering what the fuck I’m talking about, I’ll explain. There are some in our society who believe that, because the Mayans didn’t bother to write any more calendars after 21 December 2012, that the world will end. Have you ever heard of anything more pathetic other than when Nick Clegg speaks?

Tax Statements To be Issued So We Can See How Our Money Is Wasted

The chancellor George ‘Ossy’ Osbourne is set to announce plans to issue personalised tax statements from 2014 so that regular tax payers can see exactly what our money is being wasted on.

Ossy is to use his budget statement tomorrow to outline the plans so that those of us who have ho idea about the tax system can be more perplexed than ever, despite Ossy claiming it will be easier to understand and more transparent.

Frenzy As Media Discover Kate Middleton Has A Voice

The British media has gone batshit crazy after discovering Kate Middleton not only has a voice of her own, but she can use it as well.

The Duchess of Cambridge made her first ever public speech when she visited East Anglia’s Children’s Hospices today, which is one of her charities and there was some consternation within the charity organisation when it was announced the Duchess would be visiting alone, with some very concerned that the speech would only consists of mumbling with a few nervous laughs thrown in for effect.

Government To Risk Economy In order To Address The Crap British Weather In 2012 Budget

Chancellor George Osbourne is understood to not give a shit about the economy and concentrate on addressing the issue of the shit weather Britain endures every year.

Each summer, the British public are subjected to weeks of constant rain while other countries bask in sunshine. But under new proposals from the coalition government, that will end and we will finally get the weather we’ve been praying for at the expense of the economy.

Slappers Claim Take Me Out Is Fixed After Failing To Get Laid

A group of slappers who failed to get laid after appearing on shit ITV1 show Take Me Out have made claims the show is fixed and blame producers for them not getting a shag.

The girls, who have not been named as everyone will know what sluts they are, said producers of the sexist show told them when to keep their lights on and when to turn them off, prompting complaints that they have been denied a ‘decent bit of cock.’

Asteroid Will Narrowly Miss Destroying France, Claim Disappointed Experts

Experts have been left disappointed after realising a huge asteroid with the destructive power of a H-Bomb will narrowly miss crashing into France.

Scientists from around the world, apart from France were hoping the 50m long lump of space rock would enter the Earth’s atmosphere and smash dramatically in the land of the frog eaters, but have now concluded that it will miss Earth altogether.

Cameraman To Be Charged With Murder Of Star Rabbit Born Without Ears

A cameraman, thought to be jealous of an earless baby rabbit’s burgeoning career, is set to be charged with murder after stepping on the star while filming him at an East German zoo.

Chisora Accused Of Being A Chav Boxer

British boxer Dereck Chisora has had his boxing licence revoked after he was accused of boxing like a chav.

The British Boxing Board of Control, surely that can be shortened somehow, revoked the licence after Chisora slapped his opponent, Vitali Klitschko at the weigh in, spat water in his brother’s face and the brawled with David Haye in Munich in February, leading the BBBoC to leave no option but to label him a chav fighter.

Tool of the Year – Contender Number Five – Saul Zaentz Company

When I started Tool of the Year, I didn’t intend for organisations to be included; it was solely for individuals. But Saul Zaentz Company (SZC), along with the catholic church (to come) has made the list.

So why has SZC made our list of pure unadulterated dickheads? Because they are trying to sue an English pub because it is named The Hobbit.