Friday 16 March 2012

Asteroid Will Narrowly Miss Destroying France, Claim Disappointed Experts

Experts have been left disappointed after realising a huge asteroid with the destructive power of a H-Bomb will narrowly miss crashing into France.

Scientists from around the world, apart from France were hoping the 50m long lump of space rock would enter the Earth’s atmosphere and smash dramatically in the land of the frog eaters, but have now concluded that it will miss Earth altogether.


“We were very excited when first thought it would hit the Earth and a few of us instantly thought it would hit France. But now it’s going to miss us altogether. It’s such a let down.

“It’s was like Christmas Day. All the anticipation just to get your hopes and dreams dashed.”

The asteroid, named Asteroid 2012 DA14, contains enough power to destroy an area the size of Greater London, which would have meant Paris and many of the surrounding areas would have been well and truly fucked.

“Mickey Mouse and his mates would have been toast,” remarked one scientist who has been tracking the asteroid for two days and thinks he knows everything about it. “Never mind, I’m sure we’ll get another chance one day.”

It is estimated that around 500,000 near Earth objects, measuring up to 30ft in length are currently undiscovered, a pretty accurate figure for something we don’t know about yet. Meanwhile Dr Detlef Koschny from the European Space Agency’s Space Situational office said, “I don’t know who makes up these names for departments. Every time I ring somewhere I have to say Space Situational Office at the European Space Agency. It’s a good job I haven’t got a lisp.

“Anyway, as I was saying, we’re developing a system of automated optical telescopes that can detect asteroids just like this one. The goal is so we can spot them about three weeks before the closest approach to Earth. That way, we have time to put barricades and blockades around France to stop any of the bastards escaping.”

Asked what would happen if they realised the rock would hit another part of the world, Dr Koschny said “Ah don’t worry, we’ve thought about that. We’ll just send Bruce Willis. He’ll sort it out.”

When Asteroid 2012 DA14 passes earth on 15 February 2013, it will be a mere 15,000 miles away. With it coming it such close proximity, some scientists believe that it may be possible to redirect its path using nuclear missiles.

“It’s a possibility but to be honest, even if we did change its course, it still might not hit France so I think we’ll just be leaving it alone. It might still hit us in the future but unfortunately for now, France is safe.”

But experts have not ruled trying to intercept the object to try and get some samples of the rock. “It could potentially be a suicide mission, but the second we used that word, Al Qaeda immediately volunteered to lead the mission, but we’re keeping our options open. I hope we send Kerry Katona and Katie Price. That’s two people this planet could do without.”

May the force be with you

Jedi Master Bob

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