Monday 19 March 2012

Frenzy As Media Discover Kate Middleton Has A Voice

The British media has gone batshit crazy after discovering Kate Middleton not only has a voice of her own, but she can use it as well.

The Duchess of Cambridge made her first ever public speech when she visited East Anglia’s Children’s Hospices today, which is one of her charities and there was some consternation within the charity organisation when it was announced the Duchess would be visiting alone, with some very concerned that the speech would only consists of mumbling with a few nervous laughs thrown in for effect.


“I’ve got to admit, we were very worried when we found out Kate was coming,” said one insider. “When she arrived some people were wondering what she was doing there. Then there was a collective gasp when she opened her mouth to speak. Then when we heard words coming out we were like ‘oh my god, she can speak, she can speak.’ It was like watching your child take their first steps. I was nearly in tears.”

“It’s quite historical,” oozed another insider through a veil of tears. “To stand here and watch her open her mouth was one thing, but to hear words coming out without William at her side operating her like a ventriloquist dummy is quite remarkable.”

Kate appeared calm and relaxed prior to the speech, but royal insiders have explained that Kate, bless her, was really quite afraid. “I know this will shatter your image of Kate, but she was shitting bricks before she got there. At one point, she was pissing rusty arse water. That’s how bad she was. She asked me if this was normal and I had to explain the concept of rusty arse water. After that, she was okay.”

Although there was no clarification, Kate is suspected of picking up tips on using her tongue to great effect from her sister Pippa, while learning how to speak like a royal from William, who has been giving her toff lessons since their engagement was announced, whenever that was.

But the news of Kate’s achievements will no doubt send positive messages to all others who have so far been able to use their voices.

Choir and altar boys may now start telling priests and vicars to keep their hands off their genitals, while Tory MP’s may be more encouraged to tell David Cameron what a dick he is, following in the footsteps of their Liberal Democrat colleagues, who have been telling Clegg he’s a prick for the last two years.

However, the chances of Kate’s achievements reflecting on regular people, who would like to be able to say what they really think without every word being scrutinised before being deemed racist, sexist, ageist, homophobic or prejudiced in any way, shape or form is a long way off and probably won’t happen in your lifetime.

May the force be with you

Jedi Master Bob

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