Monday, 19 March 2012

Government To Risk Economy In order To Address The Crap British Weather In 2012 Budget

Chancellor George Osbourne is understood to not give a shit about the economy and concentrate on addressing the issue of the shit weather Britain endures every year.

Each summer, the British public are subjected to weeks of constant rain while other countries bask in sunshine. But under new proposals from the coalition government, that will end and we will finally get the weather we’ve been praying for at the expense of the economy.

In Wednesday’s budget, the Chancellor will make £100bn available to reduce the number of rain clouds above Britain and force them onto other countries. In turn, it is hoped that this will increase the level of tourism to Britain as our weather will be much better than that on the continent, which is clearly more important than economic status.

“The economy?” said an unnamed government insider. “Who gives a fuck about that? No, the chancellor’s going to pump around £100bn into improving the weather and we feel it is worth the money, so we’re doing it.” When asked where the government were finding the money from, our source said “I don’t fucking know. I’m not the chancellor. He’ll probably take it from families or the poor or something. I couldn’t give a shit as long as I’m not paying for it.”

The plan is to employ scientists who haven’t got anything better to do, to come up with ways of clearing our clouds, but being able to bring them back as soon as water levels drop too low. “That will be the key to it all,” said Professor Burdenburgen from the Institute of Metrological Phenomenon. “I would be tempted to create some kind of device that would ‘blow’ the clouds away or ‘suck’ them back hen we need them. Rather like a big fan or series of big fans around the country. We’ve got £100bn to blow so we can try anything really.”

While rich sun worshippers will no doubt welcome the news, not everyone is ecstatic at the plans. “Travel agents will have no option but to bring prices down for foreign holidays,” said a spokesman for ABTA. “How the hell are we going to fleece our customers with the promise of pure sun if they are just going to get it here? I don’t know what this government is thinking.”

Dirty Curtains

And Sharon Carter, from the aptly named Sharon Carter Beauty and Tanning Salon in Birmingham said “Our trade will suffer as a result of this. We rely on these airhead type people coming into the salon to top up their tans throughout the year. If we improve the weather, they won’t visit as much, meaning less revenue. I feel that George Osbourne has just fucked me up the arse and wiped his cock on my curtains.”

Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg fully supports the idea saying it was a condition of the Coalition that the shit weather was addressed. A Liberal Democrat spokesman said “Nick is pleased that one of the policies he was promoting is finally being addressed. He’s obviously very excited about this project but George Osbourne has given him a lollipop to calm him down.”

The Liberal Democrats also addressed concerns that millions would be put at risk of losing homes and jobs. “Look at it this way,” continued the spokesman. “If people lose their homes at least they’ll have decent weather so they’re not really going to suffer are they? Jesus, there’s no pleasing some people is there?”

May the force be with you

Jedi Master Bob

Follow me on Twitter if you want @FedUpJedi or Fed Up Jedi's Facebook page

No comments:

Post a Comment