Monday, 27 June 2016

Corbyn To Appoint Shadow Cabinet To Shadow New Shadow Cabinet

Beleaguered  Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn is set to appoint a shadow cabinet that will shadow his new shadow cabinet in the event that members of his new shadow cabinet resign from the new shadow cabinet.

A large majority of the shadow cabinet resigned in protest to Corbyn’s sacking of Hilary Benn, forcing the Labour leader to appoint the people he didn’t really want in the first place but kept on standby, just in case things went tits up.

But Corbyn has gone one step further and will now appoint a second string in the event this lot don’t like him either. “He’s being very shrewd,” said a Labour insider. "He’s already got people lined up. Admittedly, we’re a bit thin on the ground in relation to MP’s but everyone’s mucking in. We’ve got Janice and Dave from catering ready to step in as Shadow health Minister and Foreign Secretary if this new lot don’t work out. Even the cleaners have offered themselves to him, which is every bit as dodgy as it sounds.”

Corbyn has found himself under increased pressure to resign, however the self-confessed manhole admirer has made a speech, stating he is not going to resign. “To all those calling for me head, I tell you in no uncertain terms to go and fuck yourselves. That’s right, go and fuck yourselves. I was supposed to quote John Major and say Put Up or Shut Up, but why by like that twat? So come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough.”

Meanwhile, a spokesman for Corbyn confirmed reports that the Prime Minister wannbe finally grew a pair of testicles Saturday, prior to his first speech since the referendum. "I was there when it happened. In fact, Jeremy asked me to have a look because he felt a little 'odd.' I had a little peek and there they were. it's taken a while but now he's finally found them. Our man now has some balls."

In other news, Peppa Pig fanatic David Cameron has dismissed calls for a second EU referendum despite an online petition calling for another vote. “The people calling for this need to grow the fuck up and accept democracy,” said a spokesman earlier today. “Then again, it was questionable whether giving people who thought Boaty McBoatface was a good name for a research vessel a vote of this magnitude. Maybe we should become a dictatorship, that’d solve all problems. Wouldn't it?”

May the force be with you The Fed Up Jedi Follow me on Twitter if you want @thefedupjedi or Fed Up Jedi's Facebook page

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