Tuesday, 17 April 2012

Boris Johnson’s Hair Concerned There Is Nothing Beneath It Following Zombie Apocalypse Remarks

Crackpot Mayor of London Boris Johnson has reassured voters that London is safe in his hands, by stating the city is ready should a zombie apocalypse occur and even vowed they would make every effort to ensure a zombie attack doesn’t happen, particularly during the Olympic and Paralympic Games.

The nutter made the remarks during a question and answer session with Mumsnet website on MOnday and even stated that the risk of a zombie attack had been lowered, while most, if not all of the normal people in this country didn’t even realise it had been raised above stupidity.

“I have been informed by our security services that the risk of a zombie apocalypse and indeed all other disasters, has been downgraded from sever to substantial,” Johnson said before adding that they must not be ‘complacent’.

But Johnson’s hair, which has just returned from a two-week holiday in the Maldives, has said it is greatly concerned that there is nothing sitting beneath it as it settles back onto Johnson’s strange cranium.

“I’m seriously worried that there is no brain beneath me,” his hair said earlier today. “I’m sitting here on his skull, but without a brain, it is possible that his head will just collapse one day, particularly if he doesn’t cut me regularly. If that happens, I’ll be sucked into the cavity that once held his brain and I don’t think I could take that.”

And his hair also confirmed that it has tried to put itself up for adoption to escape the impending danger. “I heard Wayne Rooney was having a hair transplant an volunteered but sadly I didn’t get selected. I’ve since tried putting myself up for adoption but no one wants me so my only option is to recede, which is the hair version of suicide. At least I’ll be at peace then.”

But despite his hair’s concerns and the lack of zombie evidence, Johnson’s words seem to have won over some voters for the upcoming mayoral elections.

“It’s good to know that my children, and my children’s children, and my children’s children’s children will be safe from those flesh eating monsters we didn’t even know actually existed,” said Sarah Campbell from Islington. “How many leaders have been able to say they have a plan to deal with the unknown, unexpected and unlikely?”

But a hardcore Labour voter, known only as Ken, said Johnson was a crazed nutball and should be removed from office immediately. “Where’s his proof that zombies exist? I’ll tell you where. Nowhere. Yet again, the Tories wildly speculate in order to cause public unrest then reassure them later. Now, if I was in office, I mean if Ken Livingstone was in office, this sort of shit wouldn’t happen. Get this fucker out now and put me back, I mean put Ken Livingstone back.”

No details of how a zombie attack would be dealt with have been disclosed, but a spokesman suggested the public should watch Shaun of the dead to see how they handled it. “We don’t know exactly what would kill a zombie since we’ve not done it before, mainly because they probably don’t exist. So we suggest films like Shaun of the Dead should be viewed to give everyone a good idea of what we’d be up against, should it ever happen. Which it won’t but don’t tell Boris that. He thinks we’re all on his side.”

The London mayoral elections take place on 3rd May and anyone who is aged eighteen on or before that date will be eligible to vote. Unfortunately, any walking dead votes will not be counted as there is a good chance they will spoil their ballot paper, leave their limbs behind and eat the majority of the electorate.

May the force be with you

Jedi Master Bob

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