Ten Of The Worlds Worst People You Wouldn’t Get Tired Of Kicking

Let’s face it, the world is full of dickheads, wankers and tosspots. But that’s enough about the British Parliament, let’s discuss some of the worst people who, in all honesty, you wouldn’t get sick of torturing in Guantanamo. Here’s my list, can you add to it?

Vote For Commissioner Gordon, Urges Lord Blair

Lord Ian Blair, former head of the Metropolitan Police, has urged the British public to vote for Gotham City police Chief James Gordon in the upcoming elections, mainly because the public know fuck all about the elections or who to vote for in the first place.

Manchester City Ruined Football – Fact

It is a very well known fact that Manchester City, current Premier League Champions, have ruined football but little is known about the extent of the damage that this disgraceful club has caused over the last twenty years. Well, here are the facts so I hope your arses are secured.

Armageddon 2012 – A Guide To Spending Your Last Three Months Alive

Unless you have been living in the real world, you will no doubt be aware that Armageddon 2012 is just around the corner. In three months time, you me and everyone else will be stone cold dead. So I think we should all have a little fun before we meet our maker, agree? If so, read on.

Asda In Cheesy Wiggle Shortage Shock

Supermarket giants Asda have admitted they are suffering a severe shortage of cheesy wiggles after several customers complained they could not buy their favourite snack from any Asda stores anywhere.

Cesar To be Drug Tested Following QPR Title Claims

New Queens Park Rangers signing Julio Cesar is to become the first Premier League player in history to be tested for drugs before even playing a game for his club, following his claims that he wants to win the league with the West Londoners.

Taliban Declare War On Anything That Improves Life

The Taliban have declared war on absolutely anything that could potentially improve the quality of life for people in Afghanistan, including having fun and women being allowed to be classed as human as opposed to ‘things.’

 The declaration comes after seventeen people were mercilessly executed for having the audacity to have some fun and enjoy themselves at a party where male and female guests mixed and music was played.

A Letter To My Lovely Neighbours

Last night, my neighbours decided to keep me awake for most of the night while they discussed their lives in the street. This morning, I have decided to thank them with the following letter. What do you think?

Two Men To Receive Honours For Punching Joey Barton

Two 21-year-old men are set to receive honours from the Queen after giving professional thug and alleged footballer Joey Barton a well-deserved and long overdue smack in the face.

Queen Is Hysterical When She’s Had A Few, Claims Archbishop

The Archbishop of Canterbury Dr Rowan Williams has released a video tribute to the Queen on the eve of the Diamond Jubilee and states that the Queen is ‘absolutely hysterical when she’s had one too many sherries.’