Tuesday 25 September 2012

Armageddon 2012 – A Guide To Spending Your Last Three Months Alive

Unless you have been living in the real world, you will no doubt be aware that Armageddon 2012 is just around the corner. In three months time, you me and everyone else will be stone cold dead. So I think we should all have a little fun before we meet our maker, agree? If so, read on.

So Armageddon is less than three months away. December 21 2012 is the day we all die so I have written this guide to make sure that we all enjoy ourselves in the final days of our lives. Follow this five step guide and you’ll have an Armageddon to remember…sort of.
 
1)              Cancel your Mortgage Direct Debit

Lets face it, many of us are paying a mortgage well in to the hundreds of pounds each month but by refusing to pay it means that we can use the money on other things. There is no fear of repossession as that process can take three months. By then, you and the people of the mortgage company will be dead, so don’t worry about it. If you’re a single guy, go and it on call girls and hookers and have a great time. If you’re female, hire a hitman to kill girls better looking than you – not you Tulisa, there’ll be no women left. 

2)              Cancel all your remaining direct debits 

As with the mortgage, you can easily spend the money you pay for council tax or utilities on much better things, so fuck them all and get the stuff that will make you happy in your final months. Go on, you deserve it – not you Tulisa, you deserve fuck all. You can’t even give a decent blowjob 

3)               Cancel Christmas 

You would be forgiven for thinking some of the money you save could go towards Christmas. Well get that stupid idea out of your fucking head. Christmas falls four days after we all die so why waste time shopping for people who will be dead? No, don’t buy any Christmas presents and spend the money by buying a gun and plenty of ammo and giving an early Armageddon present to the like of Justin Bieber, One Direction and Tulisa.  

4)               Tell work to just fuck off 

Come on, you’ve always wanted to do this so do it in style. Get some pictures of your colleagues and photoshop them in compromising positions. For an extra laugh, send them to their home addresses, sit back and watch the fireworks. They’ll all find it funny, trust me. Then in your final few days, download as much porn as possible and show everyone how well you treat your old fella. And by porn, I mean proper stuff, not that Tulisa shit. My cat gives a better blowjob…so I’m told by the other cats. 

5)              Have a huge, fuck off party 

Look, everyone else is going to be dead on December 22, so ransack you local off-licence the day before and grab as much alcohol as you can. Then go home and drink the fucking lot of it. Liver failure? Alcohol poisoning? Forget those, they are of no concern. Who cares if your liver fails? As for a hangover, you’ll be dead in the morning no matter what so be care free and go for it. In fact, you might as well have unprotected sex with everyone in the room with absolutely no worries about anything. Oh and just make sure that you invite the people you want to invite and make a point of not inviting those you don’t. Really rub it in by telling them how much you hate them as well. But don’t invite Tulisa; she will bring the mood down a few notches.

So there you are, the ultimate guide to having a good time in the run up to Armageddon 2012. If you follow that, you will have the time of your life and you’ll go into your death with a hooker in one hand, beer in the other crashing into the gates of hell screaming ‘WHAT A FUCKING RIDE.’

 See you all in the fiery pits.

May that god-damn force be with you

The Fed Up Jedi

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