Saturday 7 April 2012

The Alternative Easter Story – Part Two

 

Continuing with the story that will almost certainly spell my doom and send me on a one-way journey to hell, Jesus has been arrested and sentenced to death by crucifixion.


Good Friday


Up in the courtroom, Judge Farrell looked out into the streets. “Human Rights wankers have turned up I see,” he exclaimed. “Tell them if they don’t disperse immediately, they’ll be joining Jesus on the cross.”

The court clerk looked worried. “That will be one hell of a cross for all those people,” he said.

Judge Farrell hit him hard across the head. “Not on the same cross, you prick. I mean on the same hill. Judge Farrell sighed, “Look at them, saying crucifixion is wrong and we should give him a fair trial. Do they not know who I am? I never give fair trials and never will for as long as I am a tosser of the highest order. Now clear them away.”

The clerk reminded the judge that he was only a judge and didn’t have the power to clear the streets. “And besides, they’re talking to the press now so if you do anything, it will be on live TV.”

“Live TV eh? Okay get Jesus up here and that other dickhead we have in the cells. We’ll let everyone decide if Jesus should die or be released.

The clerk nodded and five minutes later, Jesus was paraded on the balcony of the courts. He looked like shit as he had spent the night awake, masturbating furiously to see if he really would go blind if he did it too much.

“People,” announced Farrell the crowd fell silent. “The choice is yours. We have two prisoners and you will decide which one is released. The other will be executed. So who do you choose? Jesus or Nick Clegg.”

“Release Jesus, release Jesus,” the crowd shouted. Farrell looked worried and took Clegg of the podium and replaced him with a second prisoner.

“People, who do you choose? Jesus or Katie Price?”

For a second time, the crowd shouted “release Jesus, release Jesus.”

Katie Price was removed from the podium as the creases on Farrell’s face intensified. Farrell needed someone popular and had one more ace up his sleeve. A third prisoner replaced the media whore.

“People, who do you choose? Jesus, or Santa?”

The crowd stared in disbelief. Could they really put Santa to death? They were deftly silent as they made their choice in unison. “Release Santa, release Santa.”

Farrell smiled. “Very well. I will release Santa.” He turned to Mr Claus. “Go on, fuck off fat man or I’ll be eating venison for lunch.” Santa was removed from the podium and freed, while Jesus was taken downstairs to await his cross, which Royal Mail should have delivered two hours ago.

Out in the streets, there was a media frenzy. A Royal Mail van had finally arrived and delivered the cross and esteemed Formula One commentator Murray walker had been brought out of retirement to commentate on the procession.

Welcome to the first public execution in over fifty years,” announced Walker as he went live to the nation. Today, we have Jesus Christ, who has the weight of his world on his shoulders, as well as a big wooden cross, in pole position. Next to him, Nick Clegg, who bears the weight of betraying his own party and the country be siding with the Tories, while in third place on the grid, Katie Price will be walking to her death, with all the unsold copies of her countless autobiographies strapped to her ankles.

“And the doors to the courthouse are open,” Walker said as the public got their first look at Jesus, Clegg and Price, who were stood waiting for the order to move. “And they’re away. Jesus makes the first move but looks like a man who has been up all night masturbating. Clegg’s in second place and, oh my word, he’s just been hit in the face by some rotten tomatoes. What a good shot by David Cameron and Katie Price has not even moved. Wait a minute, someone has just told her there is a large amount of cock at the execution hill and she’s taken the lead”

As the procession made its way through the streets, Jesus fell. “Jesus is down faster than a prostitute on Wayne Rooney’s wilting cock. He’s up again and trying to catch Price, who has set a blistering pace out in front. Clegg is on the outside, as always, and is busy being hit by all the policies he said he would implement but conveniently forgot about once he became deputy Prime Minister. It’s ironic how things like that come back to bite you on the arse.”

Jesus fell for a second time. “Jesus is down again,” shouts Walker. “Oh my word, he’s just like a typical footballer, always on the floor and doing little else. But he gets up again and he’s off, but he’s now behind Clegg, which is probably the first time the Liberal Democrat leader has had someone behind him and Price is nowhere to be seen.”

And just when he thought it couldn’t happen again, Jesus went down for a third time. “And look at that,” screams Murray. “Jesus has gone again and someone is helping him up. Jesus is on his feet and the Good Samaritan has kicked him up the arse and tried to pick his pocket. Unbelievable.”

After another half an hour, Jesus reached the hill where he would be executed. The crosses were laid on the floor, while Walker explained what would happen. “Because of all the Human Rights idiots, the government will be using no-pain nails, which are guaranteed to cause minimum pain while keeping your subject hanging on a wooden cross.”

Clegg and Jesus were safely nailed on and were lifted into place, while Price ran around have a huge panic attack as she suddenly realised there was no cock on the hill. Finally, she was restrained and nailed, but not in the way she was used to.

As she was raised upwards, Jesus was heard saying, “Father, why have you forsaken me?” A copper then remarked that he didn’t have a father as his mother claimed she was a virgin and they couldn’t have it both ways.

As the three of them hung there, waiting for death, the coppers brought a huge lump hammer. “What’s that for?” One of them asked.

“Breaking their legs so they can’t use them to help them breath. I’ll so you how it’s done.” And the copper then smashed Jesus’ legs and they shattered instantly.

“Let me have a go,” said the other copper and aimed at Price’s legs. However he missed and smashed her in the face instead. He then went over to Clegg and was shown exactly where to hit him on the legs. After five attempts, Clegg was dead yet his legs were still unbroken. “Serve the bastard right,” remarked the copper.

At around 3pm, the coppers noticed Jesus wasn’t moving. “Should we stick a sword in his side to make sure?” asked one copper.

“Is there something wrong with you? Why can’t you check his pulse like everyone else? But oh no, you want to stick swords in people. I think Health and Safety would have something to say about that, don’t you? Fucking freak.”

As Jesus was pronounced dead, a storm erupted. A church was set on fire and widespread looting then took place as chavs got their arses out of bed and took advantage of the coppers being a little busier than usual.

A few hours after the death of the three, local café owner John Arnold asked if the bodies could be removed, stating that having the body of Jesus, just hanging their like an impotent man’s cock was bad enough, but to have Price and Clegg in the same window was just too sickening to comprehend.

Jesus’ body was taken down around 6pm and placed in a stone tomb. “Can’t we just cremate him? At least he won’t be stinking the place out in a few weeks time,” asked an onlooker. But he was disregarded.

A giant stone was placed over the entrance to the tomb to prevent chavs nicking his body and eating it, thinking it was free bread. Meanwhile, what happened to Clegg and Price’s body is a mystery and no one really gives a flying fuck anyway, as long as they’re dead.

Is Jesus really dead? Would chavs eat his body with a bit of ham and cheese? Did Nick Clegg really join his political career that had died a couple of years earlier?

Come back for the third and final part of the Alternative Easter story (unless you’ve got something better to do).

May the force be with you

Jedi Master Bob

Follow me on Twitter if you want @FedUpJedi or Fed Up Jedi's Facebook page

No comments:

Post a Comment