Friday 26 October 2012

Pippa Middleton's Arse Launches First Book

Pippa Middleton’s arse, the stand out performer at the Royal wedding in 2011, has launched its first book ‘Celebrate’ today, proving once again that it, and not Pippa Middleton, is the more talented part of her body.

The arse, known as Bernard, took centre stage since the royal wedding and has barely been out of the limelight since then but admits that it would be nowhere without its famous counterpart.

“We’re a bit like Artoo and Three P O,” said Bernard at the book launch today. “Artoo is the clever one who knows what’s going on, that’s me, and Three P O is the annoying, moaning one with no real talent to brag about. That’s Pippa.”

The book, magnificently written by Bernard, the Arse of Pippa Middleton, focuses on planning for parties and very little else, yet retails at a ridiculous price of £25, although Amazon were quick to give the book a price a little more to its true vale at just £12.

“ I can’t complain,” said Bernard. “It was only her name that got this book published in the first place. If it was a regular person or I’d written it on my own, it wouldn’t have stood a chance, so really I have her to thank for that.”

And Bernard stated that he and Pippa were just like symbionts, one being unable to live without the other. “Unfortunately I wouldn’t be able to get away if I tried,” conceded Bernard. “She carried me around from place to place and I’ve made and carried her ‘career’. It’s just the way of things I’m afraid.”

Meanwhile Bernard told us that Pippa is planning her own book without him, now she has her first publication. “She’s thinking of going solo, now she’s a big shot writer. She forgets she a talentless bitch and needs other people to carry her work. If it wasn’t for me, she’d be nothing. Nothing.

“What’s her next book going to be called? ‘How To Make Money From Your Name Otherwise Known As Having A Sister Married To Prince William, Heir To The British Throne?’ I’m not bitter though.”

And Bernard had to admit he hates Pippa’s new lifestyle and wishes he wasn’t so attractive. “I’m sick of it to be honest. I just want her to retire with the money she makes from the book but she won’t. She’ll go on partying and I’ll have to bear the brunt of it as usual.

“But I’ll tell you this; if that bloke Jesus tries to put his ‘thing’ inside me again, I won’t have it. She might like it but I bloody don’t. And is every bloke she shags called Jesus? She shouts his name enough times. Oh here comes Harry, prepare to be slapped.”

May the force be with you

The Fed Up Jedi

Follow me on Twitter if you want @thefedupjedi or Fed Up Jedi's Facebook page

No comments:

Post a Comment