Saturday 22 October 2016

Trump To Declare War on Zombies, Cat Videos and The Jedi Empire If He Wins

Groper, nutball and presidential wannabe Donald Trump has stated he will declare war on Zombies, Cat Videos and the Jedi Empire, should he somehow win the upcoming American election.

The billionaire, whose sole policies simply reflect everything that is wrong with society, made the comments in an desperate attempt to win over Walking Dead fans, cat haters and Sith lords hell bent on taking over the galaxy…again.


“Zombies are a huge problem,” Trump said at his latest rally today. “Look at what Rick, Daryl, Glenn, Maggie and Michonne have been through and now they face the prospect of one of them being killed by a non-zombie. If you vote me as president, I promise you now, I won’t let that happen. I will build a wall around the zombies and the zombies will pay for it. Because that’s the fucking solution.”

And Trump continued his tirade when addressing Internet cat videos. “I absolutely hate cats,” trump declared. “And I’m sick and tired of seeing cat videos on the Internet. Melania sits there watching them all day and she’s like ‘Donald, come and look at this cat video.’ And I’m like ‘I don’t want to look at cat videos you stupid, thick bitch. If I want to look at a pussy, I’ll go out and look at one, then I’ll grope the fucker to within an inch of its life. I’m a star, I can do anything I want, remember?’”

As his supporters cheered and waved guns in the air, Trump turned his attention to the Jedi Empire. “I can’t stand those self-righteous bastards. I watched The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones the other day and I thought to myself, ‘someone needs to do something about them.’ So I was delighted when they got their comeuppance in Revenge of the Sith. But then Vader went and ruined it all at the end of ROTJ and that’s when I knew I had to do something.

“So, if you vote me as president, I will pump billions of your taxes into building ships capable of reaching Coruscant and wipe out Luke Skywalker, Rey whatever her name is, after I’ve groped her of course, and the rest of those little shits that think themselves as keepers of peace and justice in the galaxy. Us Americans will show them, right? We’ll build a wall around the Jedi Empire and the Jedi Empire will pay for it.”

“We know he’s right,” said one Trump supporter after the rally. “I hate cat videos too and zombies are a huge threat to the safety of normal folk like us. I was unsure on his remarks about the Jedi Empire, I wanted them to beat the Sith if I’m being honest, but if Donald says they are wrong, then that’s good enough for me. I can’t think for myself so I’ve got to have other people to tell me what to do and that person is Donald.”

This evening, the zombies of The Walking Dead refused to comment on Trumps remarks, mainly because they are extras in a TV program made up to look like zombies. The same goes for the Jedi Empire, however it has been agreed that people who watch cat videos are annoying fuckers who need to get a life.


May the force be with you The Fed Up Jedi Follow me on Twitter if you want @thefedupjedi or Fed Up Jedi's Facebook page

No comments:

Post a Comment