Friday, 6 April 2012

The Alternative Easter Story – Part One

Well, this week of course is Easter week, which is a very important week for chocolate lovers everywhere to get fatter than you already are. It is also a very special time. Four days off form work. Oh yeah, and some bloke called Jesus pissed a lot of people off and ended up being nailed to a cross for all our sins.

I don’t know why he holds us all responsible; I wasn’t even born then, but that just the way it goes. But was it all real? And what would it be like if this happened today? Let’s find out as we explore a more modern version of the Easter Story

Maundy Thursday

Jesus was in a foul mood. He’d been hiding in his room all week because his disciples had completely embarrassed him by taking him into town on the back of a donkey instead of booking the limo that he’d asked for. “Come on JC, that was four days ago,” said Peter. “Surely you still can’t be mad at us.”

Jesus threw his copy of One Hundred Things To Do Before You Die on the floor and glared at Peter. “You had me riding on a donkey. A fucking donkey! I’ll never live this down, you know.”

“You’re cranky this morning,” said Peter, risking Jesus’ wrath. “What’s the matter with you?”

Jesus picked up the book. “Look at this, I’ve only done four things out of here and I’m going to die tomorrow. How the hell am I going to do the other ninety six in twenty four hours?”

Peter laughed. “Are you still worried about being ‘crucified?’ Don’t worry, all the hardware stores are closed tomorrow for Bank Holiday. They won’t be able to get any nails. You’re safe.” Jesus smiled and went back to his book. Peter was right, as always. As Peter left the room, Jesus stared after him in an unusual, but not gay kind of way. He had big plans for Peter, or should we say, Peter’s arse, so yes, he did look at Peter in a gay kind of way.

Later that evening, Jesus held a big meal for his disciples. They looked around for the strippers and prostitutes, but Jesus just gave them a meal. As they took their seats, there was much squabbling as to who would sit next to the lord. After several minutes, Jesus had had enough. “SHUT THE FUCK UP AND SIT DOWN.” The men soon sat and Jesus handed out the bread. The disciples looked at one another, wondering where the turkey and roast potatoes were that they had a few months earlier.

“Call this a meal?” whispered James. “Won’t even fill my big toe. And what’s with all this fruit? Where’s the chips?”

As they began to eat the bread, Jesus said “This bread is my body.” The disciples looked at each other and spat it the bread onto the floor. “It’s a metaphor you bunch of clowns,” said Jesus and the disciples continued to eat.

Jesus poured the wine. As the disciples drank, Jesus said “This is my blood.” Again the disciples spat it out. Matthew vomited all over the table. “We’re not vampires, you freak,” he shouted.

“That will teach you for sending me into town on the back of a donkey,” Jesus laughed. “Paybacks a bitch, isn’t it? The disciples laughed.

“Good one JC,” said Peter, but still wouldn’t touch the wine, preferring the lager Mark had brought instead.

Then Jesus dropped a bombshell. “One of you bastards will betray me this evening.” The disciples looked at each other accusingly. Jesus stood and said told everyone it would be Judas, who took out his mobile ran out of the room, shouting, “I’ve been rumbled. Come and get him now.”

After Judas escaped, the remaining disciples and Jesus went for a walk in the hotel grounds. “Jesus, we need to get you out of the country,” said Matthew. “I know this bloke who can get you a fake passport. Cost you two hundred quid. You want me to ring him?”

Jesus simply shook his head and turned to Peter. “Peter,” he said “Before the cockerel crows, you will deny me three times.”

Peter looked concerned. “Jesus, you know I love you, but I’m not gay.”

“That’s one,” said Jesus.

“Oh that’s not fair, all I’m saying is I’m not gay.”

“That’s two,” said Jesus.

“You can’t count that. Saying I’m not gay is not a denial.”

Suddenly the cockerel crowed and Jesus smiled. “Told you.” Peter was livid but Jesus said, “I was only pissing about. Here, have a lottery ticket for Saturday. I’m not going to need it.” As Peter took the ticket, the gardens were suddenly filled with flashing lights and the police stormed in. Peter turned and got the fuck out of there as fast as he could.

“Jesus, Henry, Dumbledore, Christ,” said an officer. “You are under arrest on suspicion of inciting hatred through religion by telling everyone they’re going to hell unless they follow you. You Twitter account has been monitored over the last few months and is being used as evidence against you.”

Jesus sighed. He knew he should have deactivated in months ago.

Jesus was taken to court, where he was found guilty of spreading religious hate and plotting to bomb hell in an attempt to kill Satan. He was also found guilty of planning a military coup of Heaven and forcing his followers to drink his blood which, the jury heard, was tantamount to cannibalism.

Passing sentence, Judge David Farrell said “I usually pass pretty pathetic sentences on people but this time, I’m going to show everyone I’ve got some balls.” Once the judge had fastened his trousers again, he continued. “I am sentencing you to crucifixion. You will be nailed to a wooden cross until you are dead.”

Jesus laughed. “DIY stores are closed for Bank Holiday. Where are you going to get your nails from?”

Judge Farrell laughed. “The government said there would be a shortage of nails so we panic bought. You my friend are fucked. But we’ll hang you later as I understand a storm is coming and we can make it look like God’s angry. That’ll make great TV.”

And so, Jesus was led away to await his execution. Human Rights activists started to gather upon hearing the news Jesus would be executed and Sky tried and failed to buy exclusive rights to the crucifixion. However it was deemed in court to be shown on terrestrial TV so everyone could watch.

To be continued…obviously

May the force be with you

Jedi Master Bob

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