Tom Daley To Take Diving Lessons From Ashley Young

Diver Tom Daley is set to take lessons from Manchester United winger Ashley Young in a bid to help him win gold at the London Olympics in the summer.

Al Qaeda Travelling To North Korea To Teach Them How To Launch A Rocket

Bored Al Qaeda operatives, with nothing better to do, are travelling to North Korea to show them how to fire a rocket properly, after the communist country’s spectacular failure to put on in orbit.

The Alternative Easter Story – Part Three

In the final part of the most thrilling trilogy ever written, Jesus got nailed on Friday. Afterwards, he paid the hooker and went straight to the STD clinic. He then got himself crucified in front of a live TV audience, along with Katie Price and Nick Clegg (don’t we just wish?) His body was taken to a tomb and a huge stone rolled in front of it.

And now the conclusion of The Alternative Easter Story.

The Alternative Easter Story – Part Two

 

Continuing with the story that will almost certainly spell my doom and send me on a one-way journey to hell, Jesus has been arrested and sentenced to death by crucifixion.

The Alternative Easter Story – Part One

Well, this week of course is Easter week, which is a very important week for chocolate lovers everywhere to get fatter than you already are. It is also a very special time. Four days off form work. Oh yeah, and some bloke called Jesus pissed a lot of people off and ended up being nailed to a cross for all our sins.

I don’t know why he holds us all responsible; I wasn’t even born then, but that just the way it goes. But was it all real? And what would it be like if this happened today? Let’s find out as we explore a more modern version of the Easter Story

Tool of the Year – Contender Number Seven – Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner

Politicians seem to be dominating our inaugural Tool of the Year competition, but this time, we give UK politicians a break by adding the Argentinean president to our list of complete bell-ends.

Ryanair To Use Paper Planes To Cut Costs

Irish airline Ryanair is undergoing another round of cost cutting by replacing their current stock of planes with a paper version. And to cut the cost of this exercise further, the airline is planning on employing school children with a superior knowledge of origami to build the new fleet.

Negotiations Fail As Puppet Of Prince William Executed In Argentina

The Foreign Office have confirmed that a puppet of Prince William has been mercilessly executed on the streets of Argentina after last minute negotiations to secure its release failed.

Heaven In Impassioned Plea To Find God After Realising Jesus Is Not Up To Scratch

Angels in heaven have made a heartfelt and impassioned plea to mortals on earth, asking if anyone who has seen god or know of his whereabouts to let them know after finally admitting the deity has been missing for over 2,000 years.

Men Panic-Downloading Porn As Government Plans Could Lead To Shortage

Men across the UK are panic-downloading tons of porn as the government announce new plans to monitor Internet communications.