Joe Hart Is Surprise Inclusion In Hodgson’s England Squad

Manchester City goalkeeper Joe Hart is a surprise inclusion in Roy Hodgson’s first England squad as the new manager named his selection of players that will be sent home after the first week of the tournament.

Hart has kept seventeen clean sheets for City this season but his inclusion comes as a shock as, other than the odd two or three players, the rest of the squad is actually bog standard England material.

“I didn’t think he’d get a place in the squad,” said a spokesman for Hart this afternoon. “Normally decent players don’t get a look in with the national side so the fact that he’s been selected in the squad is fantastic. I don’t think he’ll get a game though but at least he’ll be there.”

Hodgson explained his strange decision to include Hart in his squad. “I looked at every keeper across the country and think Joe should be given a chance. It was either him or Bill from the Hare and Hounds, but Bill’s on holiday that week, so Joe it was.”

In defence, Hodgson has selected John ‘Lightning’ Terry, so called not because of his speed, but because lightning is white and, in Terry’s perfect world, everything is white. But Rio Ferdinand misses out on a place in the squad and again Hodgson explained. “Well, I intend to play Glen Johnson and Ashley Cole, so to put Rio in there as well would just be too much for Lightning to handle, so something had to give.”

The midfield old guard of Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard is set to make another non-descript appearance, backed up with the inclusion of Stewart Downing, Scott Parker and Ashley ‘Tom Daley’ Young, almost guaranteeing a lack of service to the strikers.

Talking of strikers, with Wayne Rooney injured, goal scoring responsibilities will fall primarily with the prolific Andy Carroll, whose four Premier League goals from thirty eight matches will have the opposition defences enjoying a beer at the side of the pitch, while they laugh at his desperate attempts to prove he’s a striker.

Moments after Carroll was named in the squad, the French, Swedish and Ukraine team coaches asked UEFA if they could field a weakened side by only pitting five outfield players against the English. After careful consideration, UEFA rejected their request, stating that while all three teams will clearly take the piss out of England, they shouldn’t be seen to be doing as such.

However, the squad selection has caused a scramble from England fans who have clogged ticket lines all day in an attempt to get their money back. Sarah from Chesterfield said “We’ve been offered a partial refund as there are some good players in their. I argued that they wouldn’t even get a game but the company wouldn’t budge. Never mind, I’ll just sell my tickets on EBay. You can sell any old shit on there.”

Meanwhile, bars in Poland and the Ukraine are set to sue the FA for allowing such an inept squad to be selected, claiming their businesses are going to suffer as a result. Ludek from the aptly named Ludek’s bar said “We were relying on the English to drink a lot of our cheap, shit beer and make us a fortune but their FA has let us down. They’ll be hearing from our lawyers. Whoever put Roy Hodgson in charge? Bastards”

May the force be with you

Jedi Master Bob

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