With fuel costs continuing to rise, the airline needs to find some way to reduce the weight of its flights in order to save fuel and it had been suggested that seats and the hostess trolleys are made lighter, while a more extreme suggestion was to ask the cabin crew to lose their clothing.
“We’ve considered many options,” said a Ryanair spokesman today. “We even thought about asking staff to work naked – those uniforms are exceptionally heavy – but that was rejected instantly, the bastards. It was worth a shot though, to be honest.
“So we’ve decided to build our planes out of paper. It will be good quality paper, not the sort you wipe your arse with or anything, although if we cut costs further, it may well come to that.” On a positive side, the move means that Ryanair will be able to fly at just over ten thousand feet, meaning passengers will not have far to fall should anything go wrong and the airline will also equip each passenger with a parachute to ensure safety.
“Obviously, safety is paramount to us,” said the spokesman. “So emergency parachute guidance will be given in the pre-flight safety announcement. Our passengers will be safe with us.”
The airline will now launch a competition to see which school children can make the biggest and best paper aeroplane, capable of long haul flights and guaranteed not to loop the loop shortly after take-off. The winners will each receive a three year unpaid contract with Ryanair to help build their fleet.
“Kids are always making these things,” continued the spokesman. “So we might as well put their skills to good use. The rules are very simple. No stunt planes, nothing that loops and absolutely nothing that lands upside down. We’re not cost cutting just to pay out compensation. And it must have the facility to attach a large elastic band to some part of the craft as paper planes cannot launch on their own.”
Crackers They Are
Regular passengers of Ryanair have mixed reactions to the news. Jim Maguire from Wrexham said “It’s a good idea. At least there’s no risk of being struck by lightning and its less pollution. Well done Ryanair.
But Maggie Coddlewick from Blackburn disagreed. “What if the elastic band breaks? I do enough waiting around at airports and I wouldn’t want to wait while they fix a bloody elastic band so we can take off. And if it rains, we’re pretty fucked aren’t we in a paper plan? They’re crackers they are, bloody crackers.”
Ryanair swiftly moved to allay concerns over different weather scenarios by saying they only intended to fly in decent weather, which means they’ll be out of business pretty soon.
May the force be with you
Jedi Master Bob
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