Cesar To be Drug Tested Following QPR Title Claims

New Queens Park Rangers signing Julio Cesar is to become the first Premier League player in history to be tested for drugs before even playing a game for his club, following his claims that he wants to win the league with the West Londoners.

The Brazilian, who signed for QPR earlier in the week, said he wants the club to be challenging for the title and looks forward to winning the Premier League, which in turn has caused a scramble of drug testers and experts to wonder just what the fucking hell he has taken recently.

“It’s got to be something good to get past a medical at a Premier League club,” said one independent drug tester. “I’m wondering if he took it before he even signed. When he comes off that shit he’s going to wonder what the hell he’s doing in West London and not playing for Chelsea.”

And Rangers fan Brian from London said “Did he not see our first game? He had to be pretty high to think a 5-0 hammering at home to Swansea is title potential. What’s it going to be like when we go to Man City on Saturday? Jesus Christ, I wish I had some of what he’s on. Wonder if he’ll sell some to me?”

Customs officials say they checked the Brazilian upon his arrival in England and can only assume that whatever he took was before he left Italy. “We did a thorough search of the player, as we would all people suspected of being on drugs. Why else would he sign for QPR if he wasn’t high?

“But nothing was found so it will be interesting to see what happens in the next few days when he comes down. He’s going to be pretty embarrassed about it all. In the meantime, we will intercept any packages labelled addressed to him. We’ll get him. Oh and he needs to clean his arse a little better as well.”

Premier League officials confirmed they will be watching the game with more than a passing interest. “To make claims like that arouses suspicion, so if anything looks untoward on Saturday, we’ll kick him out of here faster than we can get rid of Abu Qatada. Is that fucker still here?”

May the force be with you

The Fed Up Jedi

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