Royals In Need Reaches £389 Million

The inaugural Royals In Need fundraiser has reached £389m in its first ever year, which has easily surpassed the clearly pointless annual Children in Need campaign.

The Royals, who will keep all the proceeds from the fundraiser, have stated they will spend their newly found fortune on renovating Buckingham Palace, the family home to ensure that they are not spending anytime in the future homeless, even if it means their subjects will be.

“The fundraiser was a great idea but we didn’t expect to raise the amount so soon,” said a palace insider today. “The Queen asked the government if they could have the money from Children in Need, but they said it is too short notice to steal that away, however they would consider a similar kind of fundraising. Low and behold, they worked something out really quickly. Her Madge is mightily impressed.”

And a government spokesman said “It is an amazing amount we in parliament have raised, much better than Children in Need could ever hope to achieve. Of course we could have given this £389m to Children in Need itself and help take thousands of kids out of poverty. We could have used it towards solving the social housing crisis or sent it to the NHS. Maybe even used to help take the homeless from the streets, but the Royal Family are far more deserving of it.

“I mean, who doesn’t enjoy seeing people in despair? Who wants to give money to the disabled when a rich family in the middle of London, who cost the taxpayer millions every year, need to make improvements to their home? It’s a no-brainer in my book.”

And it was also revealed that the quote for £389m was not the cheapest the royals got. “We wanted to go for a middle of the road quote,” the palace insider said. “Admittedly, it was at the top end of the quotes, well a little closer to the top than most of the others, well, all the others really. Besides, it’s worth it. We get more visitors here than the whole fucking country put together, so anyone whining about it can just fuck off.”

This evening, protest organisers were asked if they were planning a march through the streets of London to show their disapproval of the plans. “Not a chance,” said Jane Carter, president of the ‘Nothing Better To Do On A Saturday Afternoon Than Protest’ group. “We’re bloody knackered. All those marches we have done against Brexit have taken it out on us. Eddie Izzard may be available. That twat’ll so anything for a little publicity.”

If you wish to give to Royals in Need, all you need to do is get a job and pay tax. The government will ensure your donation gets to the right place.

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